Posts Tagged With: True Intimacy

Day 28: How can I?

Posted on June 14, 2011 by Tamar

Tremble, and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.  Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust in the LORD. Many are saying, “Who will show us any good? Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O LORD!  You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound.  In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:4-8

When you allow God into your life and ask him to forgive all your sins, He purifies you from the inside out.  “Forgive” is a word that holds extreme power.  And until you learn how to use it and receive it you won’t know how powerful it really is.  I can tell you from personal experience that “I forgive you” are 3 words that need to become part of your everyday vocabulary and roll off your tongue.  You need to THINK them and PRAY them before forgiveness is even asked for.  Sometimes your offender won’t ask for forgiveness, but between you and the LORD you need to forgive them.  Immediately, with no delay, because when someone offends you, it’s like they’re throwing you a flaming ball.  The longer you hold it, the more it burns YOU.  By withholding forgiveness from someone you are NOT hurting them only yourself.  Forgive them before you get burned.

Anger is an emotion; it’s human to feel anger.  Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us: Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Paul is telling us that we can be angry and not sin.  It is possible, because anger in itself is not a sin.  If you look at the way that it’s written, “Be angry”, it’s already assuming that you ARE angry.  The anger is not the sin; it’s what you DO with that anger that can get you into trouble. He then tells us that we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger and not to give the devil an opportunity.  What does this scripture and the opening scripture say we should DO with our anger?

Step 1) Be still and think (Ps 4:4).  BREATHE!!! We have to still our hearts and emotions and listen to God in every situation, but ESPECIALLY amid angry and tense situations.  We have to ask God what our next move should be and not let anyone else lead our actions.  If God’s not leading us, then who is?  During this period, it’s time to keep your big mouth shut!  SAY NOTHING!

Step 2) Deal with it by the end of the day (Eph 4:26).  We must make sure that we deal with our anger quickly!  The longer we hold onto it the more it tears US apart.  Not the person we’re angry with, just us.  (Have I said that enough yet?  Is it sinking in yet?)  And if you DO hold onto that anger it is literally opening a door for the devil to walk right in and take control of the situation.  However, look at Psalm 4:8 and see what happens when you give your anger to God.  In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. (Notice, this is only 4 short verses after Psalm 4:4 where they were trembling in anger!)  How many sleepless nights have you had because you were fighting with someone in your head?  When you give that anger to God, BEFORE you go to bed you can lie down AND SLEEP in PEACE.  God will grant you rest from the turmoil within.  But you have to give it to Him.  He won’t take it unless it’s given to Him first.  He adores you and doesn’t want to see you in pain from anger.  You’ve got to let it go; otherwise He can’t help you with it.

One last example of how God recommends we forgive.  So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the LORD forgave you, so also should you.  Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)  Bear with each other, I tell ya, THAT phrase is soooo fitting for me, I find myself saying it over and over.  Am I alone?  Oh how often do we just have to bear with each other in our marriages? (I love you Christian!)  On those days when he’s tired and grumpy and I just want to smack him and say “snap out of it!”, instead I tell myself, “Bear with him Tamar, you may be grumpy tomorrow!”

When Jesus tells us to “Forgive as the Lord forgave you”, it just makes me ask, how does the Lord forgive us?  First of all, as mentioned yesterday, He forgives us in the way that we forgive others.  But here’s another example, out of Jeremiah:  I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned against Me and by which they have transgressed against Me. (33:8) God doesn’t pick and choose which sins He will forgive or who’s sins He will forgive, He forgives everyone of ALL their sins.  If it had nothing to do with us forgiving others first, He would always be forgiving us immediately.

Let’s take a look at the story of David and Bathsheba in 2nd Samuel for another example.  Bathsheba was bathing one night when David, the King, saw her, wanted her, and summoned her to his bedroom.  She was married, but he was the King, so she couldn’t really tell him no – or perhaps maybe she didn’t want to tell him no.  They slept together, she got pregnant, she told David, and he sent her husband to his death on the front lines of battle.  So, they’re story really isn’t that great so far, they’ve committed lust, lying, adultery and murder (that’s the Bible for ya).  Nathan, a prophet, comes to David and confronts him about his transgressions.  Then David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the LORD.’  And Nathan said to David, ‘The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die. (2 Samuel 12:13)  In this situation how did God forgive David and Bathsheba?  Did Nathan tell David to “give me some time; He needs to think about this.”?  No!  He IMMEDIATELY said “The LORD has taken away your sin.”  David and Bathsheba were forgiven immediately.  “Forgive as the LORD forgave you.”  He’s willing to grant undeserved forgiveness immediately, and we should be willing to do the same.

Christian’s comments:

As I’ve stated a couple of times already, I drive in demolition derbies. If there is any place to get angry at someone, that’s it. The most important safety rule in demolition derby is, “Do not hit another car in the driver’s door.” Doing this is usually grounds for immediate disqualification.

The problem with the rule is, the officials watching the derby don’t always see the hit. Believe me, after driving in a derby, you come to realize that unseen driver’s door hits happen more often than you think. When it happens, there are two courses of action. You can forgive the other driver and go on. Or try to take out the other driver. Lose your cool, in other words, and go crazy. In most of those cases, you destroy your own car, as well as any chances of finishing in the money.

In one derby I drove in, another driver gave me a track shot directly square in the driver’s door.(A track shot is driving from one end of the arena to the other as fast as you can and hitting someone as hard as you can.) He hit me so hard, my helmet hit the roof of my car, and he bent the bar in my driver’s door so far in that it hit my seat. In that particular derby, the driver taking the driver’s door hit chooses whether or not to disqualify the driver giving the hit. The official was looking directly at me after the hit and I quickly decided to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt instead of going after him and possibly destroying both of our chances of making the feature. I just waved it off and kept driving.

After the heat, the other driver came up to me in the pits and apologized and asked if I was alright. I could tell by the way that he was talking to me that he was genuinely concerned about my welfare. He explained that he was aiming for another car, but was hit and redirected into my door. I told him that I was OK and we started talking. We have since become friends and help each other at derbies that we go to.

So instead of losing my temper and flipping out on the guy, I quickly forgave him, and gained a friend.

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Day 27: Forgiveness

Posted on June 14, 2011 by Tamar

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger; and it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11

A man’s wisdom gives him patience.  This verse isn’t talking about “book smarts”, well at least not in the sense that most of us would think of it anyway.  Wisdom is gained by learning more about God’s word.  The more wisdom you have, the more patience you have, giving you the ability to overlook offenses more easily, which brings you glory, that you in turn give to God.  Honestly, I’m finding with increased frequency that the more time I spend with God, the less likely I am to be concerned about trivial things like, well, how the toilet paper hangs for instance.

In Matthew 6:9-15 Jesus teaches us how to pray in the Lord’s Prayer.  In Verse 12 it says “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Jesus is letting us know that we are forgiven in the way that we forgive.  Honestly, that’s a really hard truth for me to share with you.  It was difficult for me to swallow at first, but you know what I’ve learned?  Forgiveness is extremely powerful.

“Forgive”, according to http://www.Dictionary.com, means: 1) to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.  2)  to grant pardon to (a person).  3) to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.  4)  to pardon an offense or an offender.  You see, forgiveness is a choice, an action, a verb, not an emotion.  Forgiveness means you decide to “let it go”.  Will the offense still hurt?  Possibly, however, it will hold no power over you anymore.  Forgiveness is like a ball of fire.  When someone does something to you, you have a choice.  You can forgive them, or you can hold onto that flaming ball of anger.  Many times when someone hurts you, they don’t even realize that they’ve even done or said anything wrong.  Either way, whether they are aware of the offense or not, from that moment on the ball of fire grows.  The ball is in your court, so to speak, it has been passed to you and now you stand holding it.  It’s time to decide what to do with it.  Say “I forgive you” to your offender and give the ball to God, or keep holding the flaming ball of fire.  If you choose to keep holding back that forgiveness, who is it going to burn?  The person you’re upset with, or you?  Who’s holding on to it again?

Two weeks after our wedding I was cleaning in our bedroom closet and found a box filled with blank cards; cards that Christian had bought for me and had never given me.  In among all these cards was a letter from a woman I had never met.  As I opened it my heart started to flutter and I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.  In this letter she told him how glad she was that he was her “first time”.  I got to this point and absolutely dissolved into a huddled mass of tears on the floor of our bedroom as my knees gave out and I fell like a ton of bricks.  We had been each other’s first lovers, or so I had thought.  Now I wasn’t so sure, this woman was saying that she had intercourse with MY man, the one that I had been with for 6 ½ years at that point.  I called him at work and asked him to come home for lunch; I needed to talk to him.  When I asked him about the letter he claimed that “she was just weird” and it had been her first kiss that she was talking about.  Now, I’m a very innocent and trusting person, but I’m not stupid.  I knew that he was lying to me to make me feel better, but I wanted the pain to go away, so I allowed myself to “believe” him.  However I did NOT forgive him and I managed to push the situation to that back closet of my mind.  Every few years since then she would come up again in my mind, usually at VERY inopportune moments, like during sex.  I would wonder if he thought she was a better lover than me, or if he thought she was prettier than me.  Every time I would remind myself: “He picked you in the end Tamar”.  But it didn’t really help that much.  Eventually after weeks of mental torment I would approach him about her again, seeking the truth that I knew in my heart, but never receiving from him.  He stuck to his story like glue, it was just a kiss.  Honestly, I can’t tell you which hurt more, the fact that he slept with her or the fact that he lied about it for 13 years.  And for the 9 years that I knew about it, asked about it, and was straight-faced lied to about it, I withheld that forgiveness.  You know who it burned?  Me.

Christian’s comments:

Yup, I’m a dirtbag. No, it’s OK, you can call me one if you want. Go ahead.

Have you ever been in a situation where no matter what you do to try to make the situation better, it just keeps getting worse? You know, you do what you think you should do to spare someone else’s feelings. My grandpa has a saying: “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.”
I started digging a hole the first day and didn’t stop for thirteen years. By the time I confessed, that hole was extremely deep. I needed a head lamp and timbers to shore up the sides of the hole.

Husbands (and this goes for you wives too), if you are hiding something from your wife, you are not helping them. You may think you are sparing their feelings by holding back and lying to them, but you are doing more harm than good, because they are going to be hurt more when they find out later than if you just come out and tell them. Stop digging, climb out of your hole and confess.

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Day 26: Conflict

Posted on June 13, 2011 by Tamar

This you know, my beloved brethren.  But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

Conflict is a necessary element in marriage.  Without conflict there simply can’t be resolution.  This is one of the last and most important things that this fast taught us.  Although fighting has never really been a problem for Christian and me, it is extremely common in the majority of relationships.  This is where Mark 3:24-25 is a very important verse to think on.  If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.  If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. A household that is full of arguing and constant strife cannot stand.  So while conflict is important and necessary, like everything else in a marriage there must be a balance and everything must be done in love not anger.  Conflict is necessary, anger and fighting is not.

Proverbs 27:5-6 tells us that when someone who you love comes to you and LOVINGLY points out the “sawdust in your eye”.  When they say it in love and compassion, those wounds that they inflict can be trusted.  They will heal quickly because they have been inflicted in love and for your own good.  On the other hand there are “kisses” from an enemy.  If you see someone you love acting in a way that is ungodly, you need to tell them, in love.  If instead of pointing out their fault lovingly, you “kiss” them and tell them nothing or worse condone the action, then you might as well be an enemy to them.  Over the years Christian has wounded me many times emotionally, but the majority of them have been for my own good.  He has rarely spoken harshly to me, and he has never spoken to me in a condescending way.  Wounds like these can be trusted.

In every conflict, either with a loved one or someone you don’t even know, you’ve GOT to fight fair.  James 1:19-20 is, in a nut-shell, our guideline for fighting with others.  If we are in disagreement with someone we must be quick to hear what they’re trying to say.  Whether in attack or defense we must LISTEN first and be loving.  Next James says to be slow to speak.  Don’t just blurt out your first knee-jerk reaction to what they’re saying.  THINK before you speak.  Better yet, PRAY before you speak.  “Your words, not mine LORD.”  This is my 5 word prayer for almost any situation.  As Christian mentioned earlier I haven’t always been very good at doing this, but I’m working on it and improving day by day.  Speak God’s words, let Him fill you with His word (scripture) so that the first thing off your lips is holy.  Pray before you speak. (I said this twice for a reason.) Be thoughtful, the words you speak can change your entire life.  Believe me, I know.  There’s a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth, we’re supposed to listen twice as much as we speak!  In James 3:4 he compares the tongue to the rudder of a ship.  Although very small in comparison to the ship as a whole, it steers the ship everywhere the pilot wants it to go.  We must guard our speech so that it doesn’t take us somewhere we’re not supposed to go.  Be slow to anger.  Our anger, if left alone, can very quickly turn us into someone we don’t like or recognize.  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)  Be gentle in your answers, don’t re-act to your husband, just love him.

While God’s love is perfect and drives fear away, some human conflict creates fear.  This should not be and is not right.  There is no fear in love.

“Lord, I know that someone out there right now is living in fear of someone who they love.  I pray so desperately for them right now Lord.  You love them so much, and I know that You want what is best for them.  But because You allowed us to have free will, some people have taken advantage of that freedom and have abused it and Your loved ones.  Right now I pray that Your perfect love cast out their fear.  I pray that You touch their abusers heart in a way that no one has or ever will touch them.  I pray that You change their heart and fill it with Your perfect love, causing them to know You better and know that true love doesn’t bring fear with it, only more love.  Lord, protect my friend tonight, allow them to sleep sweet, and rest in Your peace knowing that You are holding them in the palm of Your hand, and that You are feeling every pain that they suffer.  I ask all these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen!”

 

Christian’s comments:

You have probably had some disagreements with your wife during this fast. You might have had arguments with her before the fast. That’s OK, arguing is a part of every marriage. It is a necessary evil that can help the marriage, if done correctly. Yes, there are rules to arguing.

Keep it between yourselves! No one else should be involved. It is about you and her; meaning, keep the argument about each other. Don’t bring your mother-in-law into it.

Stay on point! Don’t move on to another subject until the first is resolved. If the argument is about how she never heeds your advice, don’t mention anything about how you don’t like how she folds your underwear. In other words, no more “And another thing…”.

In my opinion, the most important thing is: Have arguments! As Tamar stated, we have never really argued. One of us would usually say something like “OK, whatever” and go away angry. That is bad! Don’t hold your argument in. If you do, they will build up until they just explode out, usually at a very inopportune time. Or they may never come out at all. Then you get withdrawn and start to grow apart.  You just stop talking to each other. Tamar and I were almost to that point.

There are more rules, but every couple and every argument is different. If you can learn how to “fight” well, you will learn how to “love” even better.

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Day 25: Intoxicating

Posted on June 11, 2011 by Tamar

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam.  I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.  Eat, friends; Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers. Song of Solomon 5:1

Nine days left, you’re almost there!  So many things have happened in the last 20 days haven’t they?  God works that way; I love how He manages to make everything fit together so that we learn the things that He wants us to learn in the time that He wants us to learn them.  I’m dedicating this chapter to telling you about Intoxicating love.

Although the physical act of sex was what I always thought I truly wanted, it turns out that the physical intimacy of sex was not what I was searching for; in the end it was never enough.  What I had been searching for was spiritual and emotional intimacy with my husband.  While sex is important and healthy and necessary, it’s only a portion of the picture of marriage.  When we have sex our bodies’ physical need is fulfilled, and with sex our souls and emotions are completely tied into the act of intercourse as well.  But, it’s possible to have physically satisfying intercourse; all while leaving our souls wanting more.  If you’re only having intercourse it can be physically satisfying for you, and your emotions will go along with it, for a time; but after a while you just feel emptier inside, instead of fulfilled.  There’s a look in Christian’s eye that I cherish.  It’s a look of complete adoration and love for me; a look that in an instant tells me how lucky he feels that I’m his wife.  In that instant, I’m emotionally, physically and spiritually connected with him.

So often in our lives we settle for “good” when we could have the “BEST”.  We settle for the “good” sex of the moment, pre-marital sex, self-pleasuring and adultery, instead of continuing to strive for the BEST sex of monogamy; where we can fully and completely give ourselves to one another without the fear of loss or rejection.  I know that’s what Christian and I did.  Instead of waiting for the “ocean” of married sex, we settled for the “pond” of premarital sex.  It wasn’t until we went through this fast, invited God into the marriage and our bedroom, that we experienced intoxicating sex and true intimacy for the first time.  And MY OH MY!  We will NEVER go back!!!  Now prepare yourselves, this next part is a little “R-rated”.  But it’s OK, because God is in it too.

One night while “getting intoxicated” with my Beloved, in that moment of near climax I was marveling at how perfectly his body was… ummm… shall we say… fitting, with mine when I loudly thanked God for creating him for me to enjoy in this way.  God proudly whispered in my ear, “Isn’t he just perfect”.  It was more than I could bear, because he is!  God created my husband just for me.  He created him to balance me perfectly in every possible way.  He created him to chemically and electrically balance me, perfectly.  He created him in a way where our personalities balance each other, perfectly.  Christian is my other half.  And although I’ve had my moments of doubt and frustration with him, the fact still remains.  God made him for me and me for him.  My beloved is mine and I am his.  (Song of Solomon 2:16a)

How can I doubt God’s judgment in putting us together?  He is God after all.  Your husband is the opposite of you in many ways and that can get annoying occasionally but, cherish it because it’s those differences that create the perfect balance between the two of you.  He’s your other half, together you create a whole.

Christian’s comments:

Wow! Is it getting hot in here? Whew!  That pond looked good when we jumped in it. It felt pretty good to swim in too. For a while that is. But there was always something that didn’t seem right. I think about the first time that Tamar and I had sex. It really wasn’t that good. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. Let me tell ya though, the first time we made love after our fast it was AMAZING! I would like to imagine that it would have felt like that on our wedding night if we had waited.  I encourage you to hold on and fast for a little while longer. Trust me, it will be worth it.

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Day 24: Weapon

Posted on June 10, 2011 by Tamar

Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.  So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things, see how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. James 3:4-6

You know the old adage; “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”?  I think that applies here in marriage most of all.  Our words hold such power and we don’t even realize it.  Our words have the power to cut our husbands to the quick, or pull them up from a pit of despair.  Our words are power-filled, and must therefore be carefully guarded.  When I looked up “words”, “mouth” & “tongue” in a bible search engine I was amazed at how many scriptures deal with what comes out of our mouths.  God is a man of few words, so when He says something once in the bible, you listen.  If he says it twice, then it must be very important.  If he says it 856 times, well, you listen, obey, and then listen some more!

Our tongues are the greatest weapon of mass destruction; they are like a nuclear bomb in a marriage.  And just like a bomb, if not guarded carefully they can be dropped and decimate our precious husband.  Our words can go two ways, they can build up, or they can tear down.  And just because your husband (or friend, or brother or neighbor or stranger) acts in a way deserving of harsh words, it does not give you permission to cut them down with the sword of your tongue!

There’s a public service announcement where a mom is buckling her baby into its car seat, all nice and secure.  Then the mom gets into the car, and locks the doors, and lights a cigarette.  That baby is locked into that position of being forced to breathe that cigarette smoke and damage its lungs.  Our negative words do the same thing to the people around us.  They are like a thick black smoke.  As the negative words pour out of our mouths the black smoke billows and fills the room.  And the people around us are forced to breathe it in simply because they are near enough to hear.  This smoke poisons your entire being with negative attitudes and thoughts.  So the next time you’re driving with your kids in the car and you’re tempted to swear, or even speak harshly at the driver that just cut you off, remember, HE can’t hear you, but your kids can.  He will not be affected by the black negative attitude smoke coming out of your mouth, but you and your children will be.  The things that we think about are “stored up” in our hearts.  (Remember Luke 6:45? The good man [or woman] out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.)  Therefore the things that we think about are also coming out of our mouths as well.  Before the fast I was constantly complaining to my friends about how horrible my husband was, I was constantly thinking about how horrible he was.  Then when he came home, I’d start talking to him and treating him like a horrible husband.  On the other hand, once I decided that I needed to change my attitude I started telling my friends how wonderful my husband is, and then I was thinking about all the great things that he does for me and how much he loves me.  Now, when he gets home, I of course start talking to him and treating him like he is a wonderful husband.  In the beginning, I was fighting momentum and it WAS NOT EASY.  But I didn’t give up!  Turning your weapon of mass destruction into a tool for building is possible.

The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3) Speaking rashly to your husband could just manage to push him down farther and you with him.  With [the tongue] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. (James 3:9-11)14 Praise can flow from our lips like fresh water from a mountain spring.  Your husband was made in God’s image, just as you were, praise him too.  A man’s character is what matters most; both to his wife and to the man himself.  Women marry men for their character.  Men see themselves by their character.  If you really want to praise your man, praise his character.  NEVER insult his character.

Christian’s comments:

It’s dangerous to walk around with a loaded weapon, especially if it’s in your mouth! Make sure that your tongue doesn’t have a hair-trigger. Be quick to think, but slow to speak.

Throughout our relationship, I’ve often told Tamar to think before she speaks. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t mean to say hurtful things to other people; it just comes across that way sometimes. We are ALL guilty of doing this. We start speaking before the entire thought is formed in our mind.

Accidentally saying harsh words occasionally can be hurtful to others for a short time. Purposefully saying harsh words often can be hurtful to others for a lifetime. The words don’t even have to be directed at someone to be harmful to them. If my son hears me constantly berating Tamar, how is he going to speak to his own wife? If the child’s father (or mother) is constantly complaining and swearing, that is all the child is going to know.

So, in essence, I guess what I’m suggesting is, speak only good, helpful things to build each other up, or keep your big mouth shut.

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Day 23: Mirror

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Tamar

Moreover, he made the laver [or basin] of bronze, from the mirrors of the serving women who served at the doorway of the tent of meeting.  Exodus 38:8

The basin of washing, or laver of bronze depending on your translation, was made from the mirrors of the women.  This means that every time the priests washed themselves so that they could enter the presence of the LORD in the temple they saw their reflection in the mirrored bottom of the basin.  God still uses this technique on us today.  He calls us to look at ourselves and our actions and face the fact that we are not perfect but sinful beings in need of His help.  Then we get to move on into a closer and more intimate relationship with Him.  Today, He is holding the mirror before your face.  What do you see?

The mirror: Fold a piece of paper in half so that it looks like a hot dog bun (the preschool teacher in me just came out).  Now keeping the paper folded, on the first side write down everything that your husband does that just drives you mad.  Once you’ve finished your list, open up the paper and on the second column write your reactions to each of those things.  For example:

The Mirror:
What he does that drives me crazy: My reaction to that:
1) He leaves his dirty dishes in the living room. I yell at him for being lazy and making me do all the work around the house.

Next, fold the paper back up and look only at column two.  Read down the list of your reactions.  This is what you look like to your husband.  This is what he sees.

I had a couple of nights in a row where Christian came home very very late on school nights, I was sitting at my desk writing and just fuming because he wasn’t home yet, and God said to me, “Tamar, why would he want to come home to this?  Why would he WANT to rush home to you being cold and mad at him?”  The first night God said this to me, I didn’t care, I was mad and I was going to let Christian know it.  On the second night, it made me think, “why WOULD he want to come home to that?  I wouldn’t.”  In Proverbs 20:11 it says “It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself if his conduct is pure and right.” We are known by our actions, what are your reactions saying about you?

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Day 22: Pot and Kettle

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Tamar

Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)

To translate this passage into modern lingo, Jesus was basically saying “it’s like the pot calling the kettle black”.  I believe that it is simply human nature to be able to see the flaws in other people before we see the flaws in ourselves, especially if it’s the exact same flaw.  It’s so much easier to see the speck in someone else’s eye isn’t it?  But for shame if they point out the log in ours!  In marriage we have to be especially careful of this, I mean you are living with the person after all.  You get to see ALL their flaws that way!  In his letter to the Philippians, Paul says to Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:3-5  In this verse Paul is telling us we are to do nothing out of selfish ambition and to put the interests of others before our own.  It’s too easy to get so focused on what we’re doing that we forget all about our husband’s needs and interests.  And that is what was happening in my marriage.  I was so focused on me and how mad I was at Christian that it was all I could see.  I was so focused on the speck in his eye and trying to “help” him take it out that I never noticed the log in my own eye!  Then one night God held up a mirror for me to see myself.  “Hey look!  There’s a log in my eye!  When did that get there?”

I have an activity that I’d like for you to do.  This was a complete turning point for me and I’m praying that it will do the same thing for you as well.  You’ll need a couple of pieces of lined paper and a pen.

Dream husband (from Dannah Gresh’s book And the Bride Wore White: 7 Secrets to Sexual Purity): Now, this one is really fun.  Make a list of everything your dream husband would be.  What would he look like?  How would he dress?  What personality traits would he have?  Is he funny?  Is he witty?  What would his goals be?  Does he want to run a marathon?  Or maybe write a book?  Be detailed in your descriptions.  Don’t just say, he’s funny, say why he’s funny.

Now look at your list, how many of those qualities does your husband already possess?  If you’re like me, he has the majority of them.  By the time I got down to the end of my list I realized I already HAD my perfect husband.  No he wasn’t actively doing all the things on my list but he had, at least in the past, done all of them!  And, no, he wasn’t perfect, but he was the perfect husband for me, and I found that I still loved him.  And after this activity, I decided to start liking him again too.

That’s also when I realized that it’s not my job to change my husband.  That’s a job only God can do.  However, God could (and did) use me to change my husband.  He used me, by changing me.  In Luke 6:27-31 it says:

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either.  Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.  Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”

You see, it’s in those moments when we’re being un-loveable, that we need our husband’s love the most.  Don’t return harsh words with harsh words, return them with love.  No, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it because when you act out in love instead of anger, or hurt, the negative cycle is broken and a new cycle of love is started.

God loved US first.  God’s love is perfect, never-ending, never goes away and never dies.  If we don’t know that kind of love how can we give that kind of love to our husbands?  When we mess us, and I mean really mess up big, God never, not for a second, stops loving us.  Never.  So when our husbands mess up, we can’t stop loving them, not for a second.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails; (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

To love your husband means you are patient when he is late.  You are kind when all you want to do is be mean (which, for me at least, is extremely hard to do).  You don’t envy or boast.  Don’t be conceited or act rudely.  Don’t be a selfish pig (another of my faults), life is not all about you.  Don’t be provoked into a fight, don’t keep a record (written or in your head) of all the things he’s done wrong.  To love your husband means to take no joy in ungodly things, but rejoice in the truth!  If your husband has done something against you (adultery for instance, as in my case) and he tells you about it, REJOICE IN THE TRUTH!  Bear all things, he’s human, not God, bear with him.  Believe in your husband, hope in him, endure him, but most of all NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM.

No matter how you’re feeling about your husband right now, deep down you still love him don’t you.  In fact, usually, if you’re mad at him it’s because you still love him.  If you didn’t have love for him anymore you wouldn’t care anymore and would have no reason to be mad.  One night we had a fire in the backyard with the kids.  When it was time for us to go inside for the night there were no flames left in the fire, only a few embers.  We wanted to make sure that it was completely out before we went in, so I got a gallon and a half of water and poured it on the embers.  While the flames were long gone from the fire, there was still enough heat in those few little embers that it boiled the water, created steam and a lot of cool popping noises.  Plus, it took the whole gallon and a half to put them out!  Don’t give up, while there may not be any flames right now, there are most likely at least a few embers and so, there’s still hope!

You see change has got to start somewhere; the cycle’s got to break.  If you want your marriage and sex life to change, then YOU’VE got to be the one to change, not him.  You’ll be amazed at the difference a little attitude adjustment will do for your sex life!  One last Proverb and then I’ll go for the day.  “The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and each is tested by the praise accorded him.” (27:21)  The true test of how good of a wife we are comes from the praise we receive from our husbands.  Is your husband praising you?  I know mine wasn’t praising me, because I wasn’t earning it.

Christian’s comments:

OK, husbands, I want you to stand up. Go ahead. Now, clear your throat and say “I am a selfish pig”. Did you do it? I just did.  OK, go ahead and sit down before people start to stare at you.

I believe it is human nature to put ourselves first. The reason I was coming home late wasn’t (entirely) because I didn’t want to be around my wife, I was out late doing what I wanted to do. After I realized what I was doing and how it was affecting my marriage, I changed. I try to put my wife first (especially in the bedroom, if you know what I mean). If you start putting her first, she will start putting you first and your marriage (and sex) will be amazing!

In Tamar’s second to last paragraph above, she stated that change needed to start with the wives. This isn’t just up to them, though, guys. YOU have to be willing to change too. YOU can be the one to start the change. You can’t expect your marriage to get better if you keep doing the same stupid things after your wife has changed.

I’d like to put a little twist on Tamar’s activity: the shopping list. I would like you to make a shopping list for your perfect wife. I’m not going to suggest any questions, but I would like you to come up with at least five, but no more than ten. Go ahead and take a minute right now to make your list.

Done? Good. This may shock you, but I’m not interested in your answers. I’m interested in your questions. More precisely, what you were thinking about while you were writing them. I’m willing to bet, that when you were writing most, if not all, of your questions, you were thinking about your wife, i.e., if you asked about what color her hair would be, you thought about your wife’s hair. That’s what happened when I made my list. Interesting, isn’t it?

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Day 21: Threesome

Posted on June 7, 2011 by Tamar

O Magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together. Psalm 34:3

Contrary to what Hollywood is telling us, the Best most intimate sex is not only about the physical connection between two people; it’s a spiritual and emotional connection as well.  Sex connects your souls creating a bond that grows deeper and stronger and better the older that it gets.  Once you have protected yourselves, by taking away the option of divorce, you are free to bare your souls more fully with one another.  By sharing yourselves completely you are only then able to truly make the soul connection that we as human beings were created to have with our spouses.

Two heads are better than one.  As a couple you can do more, be more, love more, and help more; you literally complete each other.  You can lean on each other when you get tired, cheer each other up when you get sad, tend to each other when you get sick, warm each other when you get cold, defend each other when you get attacked, and love each other in spite of your differences.  Alone you are left, tired with no one to lean on, sad with no one to cheer you up, sick with no one to nurse you, cold with no one to warm you, attacked with no one to defend you. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says:

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.  Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.  A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.”

I think the principles from this scripture are perfectly illustrated by the following story.  There once was a father with two bickering sons.  One day, tired of their constant fighting the father gave each of his sons 2 sticks and first instructed them to attempt to break one of them in half; which they each accomplished with ease.  The father replied, “When you bicker and fight you stand alone and are easily broken.”  He then told them to hand him their 2nd sticks and he bundled them together along with his own stick and tied them with a cord.  He handed his oldest son the bundle and told him to try to break it.  He couldn’t do it.  Looking to his sons he said, “When you set aside your differences and work together you are like this bundle of sticks.  When we are tied together as one united group it’s next to impossible to break.”

In these verses from Ecclesiastes it talks about all the ways that two are better than one, and then at the end the number changes from two, to a cord of three strands.  This is a poetic device to draw attention to something.  It makes the reader ask, what’s the third thing?  A man and woman are better together than being alone.  However, we are not yet made complete until the third element is added.  God completes the cord of three strands.

Marriage was originally created to be threefold; God, a husband and a wife, 3 crucial parts to one cord.  If you take any one of those elements out of the marriage you weaken the entire unit.  Just like the sticks in the story, by themselves they are brittle and easily broken, but tied together with the bonds of love they become strong; an unstoppable force.  When we as a society try to re-define God’s original definition of the threefold picture of marriage we not only weaken those marriages themselves but also the society in which they exist.  Every society is built on the strength of the family unit.  When those units begin to break apart the society breaks apart right along with them.

Now, I’m going to say something that may be slightly shocking to some people, so prepare yourselves.  I am going to propose that you invite God, not just into your marriage, but into your bedroom as well.  I know, the thought of it is a little strange, but when you stop to think about it, He invented sex, He’s seen you naked, so what’s so different about acknowledging the fact that He’s there with you and that He *gasp!* approves of what you’re doing. I could go more into detail on this, but I don’t want to get anyone too excited, we’ve still got 12 more days of fasting after all.  So we’ll talk about this more later, at the end of the book.

Christian’s comments:

A triangle is the strongest shape. Husbands, if you are a gear-head like me, you probably watch auto racing. More specifically, stock car racing. If you have watched as much as I have, there’s no doubt that you have noticed the roll cages inside the racecars. They are made up of a whole bunch of triangles. They are built with the strength of triangles to withstand damage from huge crashes.

I’ve also watched a lot of off-road truck racing. The chassis of the trucks are basically a big triangle; strengthened with smaller triangles built into them. They are built this way to withstand the constant beatings the trucks take during races.

When I build a demolition derby car, I build as many triangles into the safety cage as possible. That way, my car can withstand the constant “attacks” from my “enemies” on the track. (For anyone that doesn’t know what a demolition derby is, imagine bumper cars with real vehicles.)

 

You build a triangle when you have God in your marriage. With the three (God, husband, and wife) working together, your marriage can stand up to any big crashes, beatings, and attacks that come along.

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Day 20: Divorce

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Tamar

To the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.  1 Corinthians 7:10-11

There are two kinds of marriages, Covenant marriages and Contract marriages.  To dig a little deeper I’d like to compare the two kinds of marriages so that you can see what they both are and possibly determine which kind of marriage you have.

*  A Covenant Marriage is based on love and the law.  It assumes that the relationship is “till death do us part”.  The husband and wife each have a “What’s mine is yours” and “Your interests are my interests” attitude.  A Covenant marriage prepares for a life together because they are no longer two, but one flesh.  What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6

*  A Contract Marriage is motivated by commitment and compulsion.  It prepares for the marriage to fail and each spouse protects what is “theirs”.  In a contract marriage the interests of the other spouse are not taken into account as often as “my interests” are.  Contract marriages prepare for life apart because couples seeking contractual agreements seem to expect that someone or something will separate what God has joined.8

Believe me, Christian and I are living proof of this!  We have always been believers and we got married “till death do us part”, but still… in the back of my head there was always that option of divorce.  And when things started getting difficult after our daughter was born, I blamed the strife on her.  Well, not her really but having a new baby in the house and the stress of all that.  But then after her 1st birthday she couldn’t be the excuse anymore and that’s when I really started questioning what was going on.  Christian started staying away from home more and more, and I started being…well… a word that starts with a “B” that I can’t really say because it’s not polite.  The idea of divorce was becoming more and more appealing to me.  While I didn’t want to leave him, I didn’t want to continue living the way that we were; distant, cold, unloving.  There came a night where I went to him and told him that I was extremely unhappy and if I wasn’t such a Godly woman I would have divorced him already.  Deep down I didn’t REALLY mean it, but I said it all the same and then it was out there, the D-word.  If I remember correctly, this conversation occurred around day 17 in our own fast.  I was high as a kite flying with God, but down on earth with Christian I was angry, and hurt, and cold, distant, mean and just plain old fed up with him!  The next morning, after our conversation, God took me by the shoulders and shook some sense into me.  He gave me scripture after scripture after scripture about how HE felt about divorce… He doesn’t like it.9

I think that Andrew Trees in his book “Decoding Love” summed up our societies view on marriage so aptly when he talks of how people “engage in slow-motion polygamy by engaging in serial monogamy”.10 While hearing it called “slow-motion polygamy” is somewhat shocking, I heartily agree with him!  It is exactly what we’re doing.  God created humans to mate with ONE person for LIFE, not one person at a time for life.

Joe Beam, a pastor who does marriage seminars, shares his story of his separation and reunion with his wife:

“We got married a second time.  It was just the right thing to do.  We did not love each other, but we learned how to be in love with each other and now she’s my best friend.  I pray every day, Lord, let me die first.  I wanna get old with her and sit on the front porch.  No matter how bad a marriage is you do not want to die alone.  So if there’s something in the way, the Xbox, a job, pornography, get rid of it.  Make each other your focus.  Please, please.  You can do that.”11

I am going to join Mr. Beam in his plea, PLEASE PLEASE, DON’T GIVE UP!  Your marriage may not be perfect, no marriage is, but it’s better than divorce and it’s much better than being alone.  Nothing is impossible with God12, even an impossible marriage.

Christian’s comments:

We all know someone who has gone through “The big D”. With the divorce rate as high as 35.25% in first marriages and 40.5% in second marriages13 how could you not?

I want to give you a little family history. Tamar and I were married for two years before we had our son. All four of his grandparents are still alive, AND still married to their original spouses. When he was born, all eight of his great-grandparents were still alive AND still married to THEIR original spouses as well. Pretty cool, huh.

As you can see, our families are serious about marriage. Are they all perfect marriages? Of course not. But we all work on them to fix whatever problems we encounter. Can all marriages be fixed? I don’t know. I would like to think that they can. The key, I believe, is that both sides have to be willing to work on it. One half can’t just sit back and expect the other to fix it. It took both of you to get married. It will take both of you to stay married.

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Day 19: Oxytocin

Posted on June 5, 2011 by Tamar

The woman of folly is boisterous, She is naïve and knows nothing.  She sits at the doorway of her house, on a seat by the high places of the city.  Calling to those who pass by, who are making their paths straight; “Whoever is naïve, let him turn in here,” And to him who lacks understanding she says “Stolen water is sweet; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”  But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of Sheol. Proverbs 9:13-18

Our God, creator of the universe, has made such an amazing masterpiece in the human body.  The more I learn about the science of sex and the human body, the more profoundly amazed I become with its creator!  Something that really amazes me is our hormones.  (Yes ladies, those things we blame for our monthly grumpies – our hormones.)  The way that He created them to ever so carefully balance with one another and run just about everything in our bodies, it’s truly the work of a genius!  Particularly fascinating to me is the way God created us for sexual intimacy.  He created this cute little molecule called “oxytocin”.  Pronounced “oxy -toe-sin”, and is commonly referred to as the bonding hormone.  Every time we touch, even non-sexually, oxytocin floods into our bloodstream, the more we touch, the more oxytocin is released.  Just imagine how much oxytocin is involved when you spend 30+ minutes touching someone with the most intimate parts of your naked body!  Am I blushing?  Woo!  Anyway!  The more oxytocin that is produced the tighter, stronger, and more intimate the bond becomes between those two people.  Now imagine, if you will, that each time a couple has sex they are literally pouring oxytocin super glue (remember proskollao from Day 11?) between themselves; connecting physically, spiritually, and emotionally to one another … permanently.  The more “oxy-glue” there is between them, the tighter, stronger, and more intimate their bond.

In his book “Sex on the Brain”, Dr. Amen explains some fascinating sex research.  In a study of married couples, the husbands were treated medically for impotence problems.  As the husbands’ sexual health improved, the wives also experienced marked health benefits, although they themselves were not being medicated.7 God created us to work in a way that as husband and wife we are so completely connected with one another that when one of us experiences improvement in our sexual health the other spouse improves as well!  “and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” (Mark 10:8 – proskollao) It’s just AMAZING!

However, on the flip-side of healing and health there can also be damage and destruction.  If we have committed, or are committing, sexual immorality we are not only damaging ourselves but also our spouses (whether they know about it or not).  Sexual immorality may be sweet at the time but ALWAYS leads to disaster – eventually.  Things done in secret can be “delicious” at the time, but usually end up bitter.  Proverbs 20:17 says “Bread obtained by falsehood is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be filled with gravel.” Adultery, pre-marital sex, pornography and self-pleasuring may be sweet in the moment, but in the end it turns to gravel, injuring your mouth and lying in your stomach like lead.  You can say “I’ve done nothing wrong” but in your heart, you know the truth.  (Proverbs 30:20)

OK, confession time for me, I was the woman folly; naïve and without knowledge.  From the time I was in upper elementary school I would self-pleasure.  It started out as simple exploration of my body, but very quickly became more.  My curiosity became my personal shame.  I didn’t know that it could harm me in ANY way, and to my knowledge, no one ever told me otherwise.  Some people say there should be no shame, and originally I agreed with them… because I was doing it and didn’t want to feel guilty anymore.  But now, because of my life experiences, I heartily disagree.  There’s a reason we feel dirty and ashamed afterward, because God planned and created something so much better for us, SEX with our HUSBANDS!  Now, self-pleasuring is a heavily debated subject, so, agree with me or not it’s completely up to you, but here’s my take on it.

When I was in high school I was on the dance team.  We would do the same routine over and over and over until we could perform that dance without ever really thinking about what we were doing.  We were training our bodies, our muscles, to perform a series of precise movements without any or little conscious thought.  (That’s called “muscle memory”.)  I will never forget one particular dance routine we did.  We all were supposed to jump and do a split in the air where we touch our toes (AKA a “toe touch”).  Every time I practiced that routine I was lazy and did a fake toe touch.  I would leave one leg on the ground and kick the other leg into the air, no jumping.  And every time I told myself, “this is just practice it doesn’t really matter if I don’t do the routine full-out.  I’ll do the REAL toe touch when we perform.”  After dancing that routine the wrong way at least 3 times a day for over 2 weeks, guess what happened the night of the performance?  Yup.  I TOTALLY screwed it up.  And not just by doing the fake toe touch either, that might not have been that bad.  Oh no!  Halfway through the fake toe touch my brain kicked back in and I suddenly remembered “THIS IS THE TOE TOUCH!  DO IT THIS TIME!”, but it was too late and I nearly fell on my face in front of the whole school!  I had so completely trained my body to do the wrong thing in practice, that when it came time to perform it, even though my brain told my body what to do, my body still did what it had done over and over in practice.

Self-pleasuring trains your body to respond to a specific stimulus.  When I would self-pleasure, I could achieve sexual release within probably a minute flat.  But when Christian would do it for me it took FOREVER… if I ever “got there” at all.  I can stand here and say from a lot of personal experience that when I “practiced” one way over and over again by myself, and then went out to “perform” with my husband, my body just couldn’t respond to him as quickly or sometimes at all because it was confused!  My brain was in there yelling “THIS IS IT!  DO IT!” but my body just couldn’t because through years of “practicing” by myself, I had trained it not to.

This was a big problem for Christian and me.  While I had suspicions about his porn and masturbation issues, and they bothered me a little, I had no idea how dramatically it all was affecting us and just how much it really bothered me!  I cannot begin to tell you how HUGE of a break-through this was for BOTH of us!  We had both wondered why we weren’t having very much sex… duh… we had BOTH been having sex with ourselves!  God created in all of us a sexual appetite.  By feeding that sexual appetite with the “junk food” of sexual immorality we ruined our appetite (and ability) for the real thing!  Once we stopped self-pleasuring, WOW!!! It’s all I can say!  I strongly believe that God created sex, partially, to “oxy-glue” a husband and a wife together for life.  And let me tell you from experience the oxytocin “buzz” and bond that you get from pleasuring only each other and not yourselves is amazing!  So.  Agree with me or not I highly recommend that you, at least during the rest of this fast, fight the temptation to “practice” by yourself.  By abstaining from ALL sexual contact from each other and yourselves, you should be able to, at least somewhat, reset your muscle memory so that your new “first time” together can be even MORE amazing than you EVER thought possible!

In 1 Corinthians Paul gives us some hope and confidence to withstand the temptation.  He says in chapter 10 verse 13, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” We will be tempted.  Paul doesn’t say if he says “When you are tempted”.  But God promises us that He will provide a way out of those temptations.  He gives us an emergency exit, every time.  All we have to do is make the choice to take it.

Christian’s comments:

Super glue is great, isn’t it? There is nothing better to bond and hold two things together. The problem is what if those two things are taken apart from each other? It usually isn’t a pretty picture. It may be possible to take the two pieces apart, but usually there are small bits of one piece still stuck to the other piece, and vice versa. It is impossible to remove them all.

The oxytocin that is produced when you have sex with multiple partners creates a bond like super glue. You take a little bit of every person you have had sex with along with you, and they take a little bit of you along with them. Those little bits taint future relationships for everyone involved.

By touching ourselves instead of each other, we deprive ourselves and our spouses of that extra oxytocin. We also deprive ourselves and our spouses of the more intimate bond that it creates between a husband and wife. Oxytocin can create euphoria between a husband and wife before, during, and after love-making. When we “take matters into our own hands”, we screw that up! Our bodies get confused and don’t know what to do. I believe that eventually, our bodies don’t produce as much of the hormone during lovemaking, so we lose some of the euphoria. I also feel that self pleasuring produces so little oxytocin, that we feel dirty and gross afterwards.

Towards the end of our second thirty-day fast (which actually came out to around 47 days), I wrote a letter to Tamar. Here is a section of that letter.

To start, I owe you a HUGE apology. I never realized how much my masturbating was affecting me. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting how I felt (both physically AND mentally), and how much it was hurting our relationship. If the last few weeks are any indication of how I feel without masturbation, I’m looking forward to Valentine’s Day even more! I didn’t think it was affecting me that much! Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed sex with you, and I still desired you, but I didn’t feel any urgency. If we didn’t have sex, it was not that big of a deal. I could either wait until the next night, or take care of things myself. I am REALLY starting to feel the urgency now!

As you can see, I didn’t know how badly I was hurting our marriage by masturbating. I thought I was helping it! I had trained my body to one type of stimulation, just as Tamar had. I got myself so accustomed to masturbation, that when it came down to the real thing, I wasn’t able to perform very long. My solution? Masturbate more!

If I knew we were going to have sex that night, I would masturbate in the afternoon. I would do it so I would last longer during sex. Sometimes it would work, sometimes, not so much. Now don’t get me wrong here. I didn’t only do it just so I could enjoy sex longer, I wanted to satisfy Tamar too. I would feel like a failure as a lover if I didn’t last very long. The problem was; I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I would masturbate to last longer during sex, but my muscle memory was working against me.

In doing research for this book, I have learned that there are experts that recommend masturbation to improve your sex life. Some also recommend having an affair. And these people are considered experts. EXPERTS! I can tell you from personal experience; IT DOESN’T WORK!!! It’s counterproductive. When you do have sex with your spouse and makes it more difficult to reach that euphoria state that makes you want to stand up and shout “HALLELUJAH!”

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