Posts Tagged With: sins

Lunch Buddies

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Mrs Knochel

Hee hee hee!!! I am so excited that I get to blog today! I feels like forever that I’ve been able to come on here and talk to you all!!! I have been SOOO busy getting this next Bible Study up and running and ready. There has been so much going on here behind the scenes and I am seriously on pins and needles waiting to unveil it to you! You’re gonna LOVE it! It seriously is all I can do to contain my glee in this moment, deep breath… It won’t be too much longer, I hope.

I can give you this little peek behind the curtain, the new book/Bible Study cover and title:

Waiting front cover only

Ahhhh… there’s nothing like waiting on a Bible Study about waiting right? You know you love me!

Yup, the writing is finished, the proof copy has been sent to the editor, the front cover is done, it’s so close I can almost taste it! I love being able to see the finish line don’t you!

On Fridays I go to the school to have lunch with the kids. Today, as I was walking up to the school I was wondering if Anna would, for the third week in a row, forget that I was coming and bringing her forgotten lunch and get another one before I got there ending up with three lunches for the two of us. And it just made me think of all the times when we forget that our heavenly Father is bringing something into our lives. He’s coming with something big and exciting and we forget so we work on and worry about that very same thing only to see Him coming around the corner with His version of what we’ve been working on… and it’s SO MUCH BETTER than what we did that our version pales in comparison and we just want to hide it behind our backs.

Every time I have walked into the cafeteria carrying a lunch for my daughter that I know she will love and actually eat, and see her walking to the table with a tray filled with food that I know that she will not eat, God has tapped me on the shoulder and said, “you know you do that too right?” Siiiigh…

Why do we worry and sweat over things that He’s got under control? So often we think, “Oh! This and such doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere God must need me to do something about it. Maybe He needs my help…” No. He doesn’t need your help. He needs your TRUST. He needs for you to believe in Him to do what needs to be done that you can’t do. He needs for us to be still, silent, quiet, peaceful, calm, motionless, carefree, and know that HE is God, that He has it all under control and that when it is time for us to DO something He WILL let us know it.

Once upon a time… OK, all the time, I was worrying over my sins, I was worrying over whether or not I was doing the right thing and God stopped me and said, “I am a good Father, if you’re doing something wrong, I will tell you.”

Oh! He IS a good Father! And He DOES tell us when we’re doing something wrong or when we’re doing something right! We just have to be still enough to be able to hear Him!

Oh how I love being on this phase of writing! There’s nothing like being at the end of a season and looking back over the whole thing and seeing how it all unfolded right before your eyes but couldn’t see it until now. My season of “waiting” is over, I know it, I can feel it down to my bones. God is opening my eyes to so many things right now and it’s amazing. Time is rushing by like a freight train and the rush of wind as it passes is taking my breath away. All I can do right now is laugh. Laugh at God’s sense of humor and irony. Laugh at how perfectly it has all fit together. Laugh at how wonderful He really truly is, and know that I’ve only BARELY scratched the surface.

God’s got my back. I don’t have to worry or fear the future, because I know the One who holds it in the palm of His eternally merciful hand and He loves me enough to die for me. I am so blessed to know this God whose word always proves true. This God who proves His faithfulness to His people in so many abundant ways. This God who fills the earth with so many colors of His love that there is no way to count them all! Yes! This is MY God. This is MY Father who brings me the best lunch I could imagine, so I don’t need to worry about getting my own lunch because I know that His will be so much better in every way!

God bless you my friends! I have missed you!!!!

Categories: 365 Life, The Crazy Mom Blog | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blessings

Posted on December 23, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

“I have received a command to bless; He has blessed, and I can not change it.” Numbers 23:20

Today I’d like to share with you the story of Balaam and Balak from Numbers 22-25. King Balak can see the Israelites stretched out across the country side and it strikes fear in his heart. He’s heard the stories of everyone else going up against these armies and getting squashed like bugs… and he could be next! So in his fear he summons Balaam, a local soothsayer with a reputation for successful blessings and curses. Balak sends several elders of Moab and Midian to deliver his message to Balaam. When they get there Balaam consults the LORD and asks if he should go or not. God tells him “no”, and he sends them all away. So Balak sends a group of princes heavy with treasure to ask Balaam again. He inquires of the LORD again, this time God says “Since these men have come to summon you, go with them, but do only what I tell you.” (22:20) So Balaam goes with them, has an incident with his donkey on the way that we’re going to skip over because it doesn’t apply directly to my point today. Anyway, he gets to Balak and explains “I can’t say just anything. I must speak only what God puts in my mouth.” (22:38) Then they go up, sacrifice some bulls, Balaam has a pow wow with God alone and then returns to Balak with God’s message in his mouth.

Now Balak hired Balaam to curse the nation of Israel because the Moabites were afraid of what the Israelites would do to them. But when Balaam came down from meeting with God all he could do was bless Israel! Balak said furiously “What have you done to me? I brought you here to curse my enemies, but you have done nothing but bless them!” and Balaam answered “Must I not speak what the LORD puts in my mouth?” (Numbers 23:11-12) But Balak, not being one to give up easily took Balaam to another spot where he could see the Israelites, perhaps he could curse them from a different view. Exasperated sigh… so, from a different angle they present their offering, Balaam went off by himself to receive the LORD’s message and then returned to deliver my favorite of Balaam’s FOUR blessings to Israel:

“Arise, Balak, and listen; hear Me son of Zippor. God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill? I have received a command to bless; He has blessed, and I can not change it. No misfortune is seen in Jacob, no misery observed in Israel. The LORD their God is with them; the shout of the King is among them. God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox. There is no sorcery against Jacob, no divination against Israel. It will now be said of Jacob and of Israel, see what GOD has done! The people rise like a lioness; they rouse themselves like a lion that does not rest till he devours his prey and drinks the blood of his victims.” (Numbers 23:18-24)

Blessings from the LORD are irreversible! No one can curse what God has blessed, no sorcerer can be against it, no divination can break it, nothing or no one can reverse what God has blessed. My friends I pray that you’re catching my drift on this one, but in case you’re not, let me make it a little more plain. As a child of God you have been adopted into this family of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. You may be a branch that has been grafted in, but you’re still part of this family tree! Every word of blessing that God used Balaam to speak over the house of Israel, he was speaking over you too! God Himself has spoken His blessings over you and your life! Hallelujah! And what God has blessed the Enemy can NOT curse! Oh can I get a praise the LORD from the choir on that one?!?

However, this is unfortunately not where our story ends for the day. Because although no one else can remove God’s blessing from your heads, you can. According to Numbers 31:16 Balaam gave Balak some parting advice. Balak couldn’t beat them with might, and Balaam couldn’t curse them because of their blessing, but they could ensnare the Israelites to remove the blessing from themselves. Although nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:38-39), we can separate ourselves from that love, by the choices we make. God has promised to never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), but we can certainly make the choice to turn our backs and leave Him.

So, what advice did Balaam leave with Balak? Sex. He suggested that the Moabite women go and seduce the Israelite men – drawing them not only out of covenant with their wives but also out of covenant with their God. In Deuteronomy twenty-eight when God lays out the laws of blessing and cursing He prefaces the blessings with “IF you carefully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all His commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you IF you obey the LORD your God:” (Deuteronomy 28:1-2) and He prefaces the list of curses (which is easily twice as long as the blessings) with “However, IF you do not obey the LORD your God and do not carefully follow all His commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come upon you and over take you.” (Deuteronomy 28:15)

IF, is a very strong word. It may be a small word, at only two skinny letters, but its a mighty one that packs a punch. IF you obey, you are blessed and IF you do not obey… well… then you’re not blessed. And believe it or not, it is completely possible to be blessed in many areas of your life and still be cursed in others. Your disobedience to the laws of God (love your neighbor as yourself) brings havoc and heartache, period. And the disobedience that brings the most havoc and heartache? Sexual immorality – adultery, porn, homosexuality, bestiality, you name it! And the worst part is, it’s not just physical sexual immorality that brings curses,  it’s spiritual sexual immorality too! How many times in the Old Testament did the LORD refer to the nation of Israel as an adulterous nation? A LOT! As a nation, they were following the physical rules and yet their hearts had been led astray! They had allowed other things to get between their God and themselves. God’s flow of blessing is permanent, it can not be broken or stopped, but it can be redirected when you put up blessing blockades between yourself and God when you sin.

Categories: The Crazy Mom Blog | Tags: , , , , , , ,

They

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

Once upon a time, in a high school far far away from here there lived a cute, short, curly-haired Freshman girl who had a friend named Carey. At this same school, with the same friend there was a Senior football player. He was handsome and funny and was extremely muscular. On the first day of school, the girl was nervous at lunch time. “Who will be in my lunch group with me this year?” she wondered, “Who will I sit with?” As she emerged from the lunch line and into the bright lunchroom she immediately spotted her friend Carey, a senior on her dance squad. She rushed over to see if she could sit with her. “Of course!” Carey said, and the girl sat down relieved that there was at least one familiar face in her lunch group. Next, Carey’s other friend, the Senior football player came up and asked if he could sit with Carey too! Seeing as how there was plenty of room and he was her friend too they said “sure”.

Almost every day after that, lunch was spent with these three friends chatting over one thing or another, high school issues, those kinds of things. And the more the girl got to know the boy, the more the girl liked the boy. He was fun to be with, he liked a lot of the same things that she liked. But the best thing of all was how he made her laugh. He had such a strange sense of humor that she just adored about him. After several months of this, Carey and the girl were waiting in the lunch line when the boy walked up behind the girl and covered her eyes with his hands, “Guess who?” he said. Of course she guessed immediately, and he let go of her eyes and stepped into line next to the girls to wait for lunch. That afternoon Carey, their mutual friend, mentioned to each of them that they might make a cute couple. Hmmmmm…. But alas, at the time he was single and she wasn’t, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

However, it wasn’t long before the girl broke up with the boy that she was seeing and took a bit more interest in the boy. He WAS handsome, very handsome now that she was looking a little closer. And wow! Look at those arms, he MUST lift weights, a lot! But, it was too late for her now too, he was asking another girl out by now. Siiiiiigh……

By this time Christmas was getting nearer and nearer and it was basketball season at the school. The girl was busy preparing for the halftime shows at the games and the boy was busy preparing for wrestling season (Oh, yeah, he wrestles too), and pursuing that other girl. So our girl started focusing less on the boy and more on her dancing, and a little on school too. The time came around for the dance squad gift exchange and the girls all filled out their short wish lists, placed them in a bag and then one by one drew them out to see who they had for the Secret Santa gift exchange. The girl, just as a joke put the boy’s name at the bottom of her wish list, because EVERYONE on the dance squad knew that she liked him and whoever got her list would think it was funny. Little did she know, but her friend Carey had gotten her list! The last few weeks of school went by quickly and the girl quickly forgot about her little “addition” to her list. The night of the last game of the year came around and there was a dance planned for after the game. All the girls from the squad were planning on going together, it was the last dance of the year before Christmas, they HAD to go! The game ended and the girl was in a small storage room next to the band room putting her things away when she looked up to see the boy changing his shirt. She nearly swooned at his rippling muscles! “Ahhhhh,” she sighed, “maybe someday”, as the boy then walked past her to the hallway on his way to somewhere else in the school.

Suddenly Carey came storming into the storage room with her coat. “Why does she have her coat?” the girl thought, “I thought she was staying for the dance.”

“I have another present for you!” Carey said with a giant grin.

“OK” the girl said suspiciously, one eyebrow cocked to the air. They had already done their gift exchange and she had said nothing of more gifts being in store for her, what was going on? Carey flung her coat over the girl’s head and led her in the direction that the boy had just gone. She wanted to say that she had no clue what was going on, but she did have one glimmering hope that it would be the one thing that she expected the least to get from a colorguard gift exchange. As Carey wrangled her into the hallway the rest of the girls in the squad chattered and giggled excitedly in a circle around her as she came to stop in front of two red wrestling shoes on the hallway floor. Carey asked her, “are you ready for your surprise?” “I guess so”, she replied, what DO you say in a moment like that? When Carey pulled the coat off her head the girl raised her eyes from the shoes on the floor to the jean wearing legs that were attached to them, to the familiar black shirt that she had just swooned over moments before, to the absolutely beaming face of that handsome Senior football player she’d had her heart set on for the last few months. The look on his face was PRICELESS to say the least, he was so proud of the fact that she had asked for him for Christmas and that he was able to deliver that gift himself. A trophy date for the dance to be sure! She nearly passed out as ALL the blood in her body seemed to flock instantly to her face! Boy, he sure was cute, and all hers for the night. After months of crossing paths, there they were, both single and staring at each other… with the entire dance squad standing around them watching! They all walked off toward the cafeteria where the dance was being held that night, the boy and the girl still in a bit of a daze as to what to do with themselves. The girl asked the boy, “I thought you liked Katie, what happened?” He said, “she told me ‘no’ because she knew that you liked me”. It looks like things might actually work out for these two.

The next Monday at lunch the girl found herself sitting alone for some reason, I don’t remember why. Until just a few minutes before the lunch bell rang. She was just getting ready to get up and take her tray to the kitchen when the boy came strolling through the lunchroom door headed right for her lonely table. He plopped himself down and said “I’ve got a question for ya”. “OK” she replied, “what’s up?” He tossed his huge class ring across the table at her and said “will you go out with me?” As she sat there watching the ring spin like a top in the middle of the round table, what else could she say but “YES!”? And right there, in that small town school lunch room she and he became “they”. “They’re a couple now”, “they’re dating now”, “they’re an item now”. And they were, and have been for the last SEVENTEEN years, today. I am that girl, my husband is that boy, and he still makes me swoon when he takes his shirt off! Our “they” has increased from just the two of us, to the four of us plus two cats and a tank full of fish. As for everything in between that day and this day? Well, most of that is for another day’s blog, but parts of it can also be found in our book True Intimacy, the story of how our love became cursed through the sin of pre-marital sex and then adultery. And how Jesus redeemed that love and broke the curse, and the details on how you too can have a truly intimate marriage! Jesus can help, He helped us, and He’s more than willing to help you too! Trust me, it’s TOTALLY worth it. I thought that we had lost that high school romance long ago, but we hadn’t lost it, we had just cursed it, pushed it back away from us with our sins. But with God’s help we learned how to change all that, how to get that lovey feeling back, only it was better this time. Because it had depth and meaning and healing in it. Yes, this time our love was rich and real and founded on what it should’ve been founded on it the beginning, JESUS and His grace. I am more desperately in love with my husband today than I ever was seventeen years ago, and this morning as I snuggled up to him in bed I told him just that, and then said “and just think, if I love you this much more now than I did then, how much MORE will I love you seventeen years from today???” And he squeezed me tight in his warm and still very muscular arms and said “I love you” in that way that always makes my heart melt for him.

God has blessed us with something that many couples never get, a second chance at love with the person they fell in love with in the beginning. Through what I can only account as the grace of God, we have stayed together through some really tough stuff, and I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for it! The love that I feel for this man is so much deeper than anything I’ve ever felt for anyone in my entire life. And honestly, that’s only possible because of the forgiveness and TIME that we have invested into each other. Neither one of us was willing to give up on “us” when I was so very ready to give up on him. During those cursed years of our relationship, which in all honesty was the majority of those seventeen years, we stuck together, many times just for the sake of sticking together. But I can’t tell you how glad I am today that we did stick it out despite those really cursed years. It’s funny how breaking a curse can change things. Happy things happen now, and we’re happy, not so happy things happen now… and we somehow manage to still find happiness, in each other. Nothing is perfect, and we’re just as not-perfect as everyone else, but we’ve found joy in our not-perfect-ness though. 🙂

Categories: The Crazy Mom Blog | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Spiritual Stay-cation Day 4: Because Jesus loves YOU

Posted on December 9, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

Well, I had a great talk with my mom last night reassuring her of my newly retrieved peace (thanks to God commanding me to put everything down for a week and let Him carry it instead). I am realizing that I’ve been carrying too much myself, including my old self “Tyra”. I’ve talked about her a couple of times over the past six months of blogging. She seems to pop back up into life occasionally, usually through friends who accidentally call me Tyra still… and then the accidental slip becomes a habit. Or in the case of most of my family members where I haven’t ever really explained to them the whole name change thing. Honestly, it’s not something that’s very easy for most people TO understand. “You changed your name… because God told you to??? O…K…” then they smile and nod and quickly change the subject. Some have even gone so far as to tell me I’m crazy, hence “The Crazy Mom Blog”.

Most people don’t understand going through a life change dramatic enough to warrant a change of name. Yet, really, when I really think about it, it was less that my life changed and more that my view of God changed. My view of myself changed because I was suddenly seeing my life through God’s eyes instead of my own. That changes a person in ways that most people can’t understand, because they’ve never had it happen to them. And I pray for that kind of change for them! Most people can stand to have a personal encounter with God that changes their entire outlook on themselves and the world around them. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried out to God on their behalf, praying that they would have a PERSONAL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with Christ even more intimate than mine is. That they would know Him the way Adam “knew” Eve in Genesis 4:1, with a kind of knowing that only husbands and wives share with each other, the kind of knowing that brings about children and fruit and offspring and seeds.

I haven’t always had this intimate of a relationship with Jesus, even though I’ve always been a church attending Christian. But just like sitting in a garage doesn’t make me a car, sitting in churches never made me a Christian. Anyway, there came a time in my life when I started actively seeking God out of a heart of wanting to know Him more. I was going to a Friday morning Bible study at a local church with some friends. I had attended Bible studies before, but it was really more out of a need for fellowship in a place where I knew no one that anything else. In this study, however, I already HAD the fellowship with the people around me and so through that Bible study I started seeking fellowship with the One we were studying. Through studying God’s word I came to know Him more, and the more I knew of Him the more I wanted to know Him. I wanted to experience Him the way Beth Moore was telling us that we could. There was something about the way that she talked about Him, the way she lit up when she said His name. She wasn’t just teaching because it was her calling, she was teaching because she had a true passion for the One she was teaching about. She had something in her that called out to me like a moth to a flame. I wanted that fire in ME, I wanted the passion that she had for what she was talking about. Through her I started to realize that the hunger I’d had my entire life wasn’t for the things I thought it had been for, it was for HIM. It was a hunger for a relationship with HIM! And OH! When I started setting aside my religion for a RELATIONSHIP, *romantic sign…..* I got what I had always been hungering for. And so much more!

Just like a true bride, when she gets married she is thrilled to take her new husband’s name, I too took a new name. You know how most pastor’s will say that they were called into the ministry? Well, although I was not called to be a pastor, I too have been called. And in that calling has come a LOT of changes. God has taken me through some really wild rides and experiences that you do NOT want to know about let alone experience. To prepare me for this calling on my life, I have seen things that most people never see, and most people would never believe. When I laid down my life to follow God’s call, I laid down the name that went along with that life. And I picked up the name that symbolizes this new life within my bones.

But that doesn’t mean that the old name (and everything that goes with it) hasn’t persistently followed me since then! Oh NO! The sentimental and emotional cord that has bound me to Tyra started out quite short and she followed along behind me very closely. And slowly but surely, bit by bit I’ve consistently tried to sever that cord between my old self and my new self. But the only thing my scissors have done is make the cord longer. And every time she follows behind me a bit farther; so that I THINK she’s gone… but then she just comes bounding back up again with those eyes that just plead “You know you really do love me. You really do want to keep me.” And for a while I’ll look into those eyes and think, it’s just a name, does it really matter what these other people call me? What they call me doesn’t define who I really am. But allowing them to think that I am still that person, by allowing them to still call me that dead person’s name, is lying to them. I let it go for the sake of trying to be polite and not correct people, but the truth is, that’s just not who I am anymore and I need to be honest with myself and them.

In first Chronicles chapter four verses nine through ten we read about a man named Jabez. Now some of you may be familiar with his story, hidden within a huge list of names, but for those who are not:

“Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying ‘I gave birth to him in pain.’ Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request.”

Now “Jabez” sounds like the Hebrew word for “pain”. His name means pain. His mother called him “pain” his entire life as a reminder that she gave birth to him in pain. There is power in a name because the name of something defines it. When I say “basket ball” you don’t just think about the ball that get’s thrown into baskets, you think about the ball, the sport, the court, the players, the fun, the cheers, everything that is related to basket ball is defined in those two small words – its name. The definition of Jabez’s life to that point, was pain. When he cried out to the One who can do all things, he asked (of all things) to be free from the one thing that had plagued him for his entire life, pain!

How many of us have had pain plague us throughout our entire lives??? You know, there are two different kinds of pain, physical and spiritual. I personally have experienced both and between the two I can say hands down that Spiritual pain is the worst! Because spiritual pain is a pain that doesn’t go away when you rub it, there’s no pill that you can pop to make spiritual pain go away. When your body is in pain there is a multitude of ways that humanity has come up with to ease that pain… but when your spirit is hurting there’s only one cure. Jesus. Sure, we’ve come up with lots of ways to attempt to substitute some other forms of spiritual cures, from booze, to food, to sex, to violence, but when we really get right down to it, they’re all just substitutes. Like aspartame is a substitute for real sugar, that tastes nothing like real sugar and has horrible side effects, so do these substitutes. They’re nothing like the real thing and they leave behind them horrible side effects and after tastes. Jesus is the One and only true healer of ALL pain, in all of its forms and functions. Jesus is the only one that has the ability to free us from the pain that plagues our souls day in and day out. And when we cry out to Him He can and does free us from that pain. No, the physical pain may or may not leave, but the spiritual pain ALWAYS does.

One hundred percent of our spiritual pain comes from sin. And it may not even be sins that we ourselves committed, it may have been the sins that our ancestor’s committed, or our relatives, or even our neighbors or friends! Our society stresses individuality and the Enemy likes to try to get us to think that our actions only effect us, but nothing could be farther from the truth! Our actions, good or evil, create waves in the air around us. They change our own reactions and the reactions of the people around us, which changes the reactions of the people around them. Nothing that we do, stands alone. Nothing that we do DOESN’T leave a point of impact or change something in the environment around us. Nothing.

I know that my own sins have caused me pain and the pain that I experienced changed me… but it has also changed the people around me too. Through my healing from that pain, came my greatest transformation. A new birth, a new name, a new career, a new lifestyle, pretty much a new everything! From my pain I’ve written a whole book on the sins of my past and how I was transformed from that pain they brought about. An excruciating pain deep in my soul that I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around or ease with my finger, and yet it throbbed in my heart all the same. Outwardly I looked fine, but inwardly I wasn’t. I couldn’t ever define HOW I was in pain, or where it was really coming from. Until I started earnestly crying out for God to fix the thing that was wrong, whatever it was it was causing me pain and a lot of it! I wanted it gone! And God granted my request. It wasn’t at all the way I thought He would grant it, and yet it was exactly the way it needed to be.

That pain I used to experience, I see it in the eyes of the people I interact with day in and day out. I recognize that pain, because I’ve lived that pain. Oh! For so long I lived in that excruciating un-named pain… and I’ve been freed from it. God gave me a new name because He freed me from the pain that was attached to the old name. “Tyra”, while a perfectly good name, defines that time in my life filled with the pain of past sins plaguing me and tying me up from the blessings God was trying to pour out over me. Tyra, like an umbrella, was blocking God’s blessings and favor from reaching all the way down to me and causing them to flow to the sides of me instead. Tyra was a beautiful person, she loved others, she loved God, but she turned herself into an idol and got in her own way. Tyra made a HUGE mistake and suffered for it for 13 years. But she didn’t suffer alone, she brought her friends and her family and her boyfriend and then her husband in on the pain as well. Misery loves company and so did Tyra. Tyra is a slave. A slave to sin, and pride, and fear. She’s a slave to lust and gluttony and adultery. Sure, Tyra did a lot of really good things too, but all of them were done through the filter of sin and slavery.

When Tyra cried out to God for help, that He would bless her, enlarge her territory, that His hand would be upon her, keep her from harm so that she would be free from pain, He didn’t just grant her request, He leapt for joy. Simply at the fact that she had finally asked HIM. God was so happy that day, that after years of being in pain and searching for answers she had FINALLY come to the ONE WHO COULD GIVE HER THE ANSWERS AND THE HEALING TOO! When she cried out to God that He would bless her, He did so much more than simply bless her, He has consistently enlarged her territory (to the point that it is starting to make her uncomfortable – not that that’s a bad thing!) He has kept His hand upon her, directing her steps and making them more and more sure every day. He has most definitely kept her from more harm that even she could ever imagine!!!!! But the best part of all, He has freed her from the pain. And to signify that freedom from pain He blessed her with a new name. Tamar. A name that symbolizes strength in adversity, fruit in the wilderness, love for the unloved, water for the thirsty and food for the hungry. Tamar symbolizes light for those in darkness, hope for those in desperation, Tamar is a bride of Christ.

I am Tamar, who are you? What does your name mean to you? How does it define you? Is it holding you back? Or is it pushing you forward toward Christ?

Just like Saul, Tyra lived her religion most days of her life, until she came face to face with the One her religion was named after. Have you come face to face with the One your religion was named after? Many people today claim Christianity and yet know very little about what it really means to be a Christian. The every day practices of a Christian vary depending on what denomination you talk to, but the core, the center, the HEART of Christianity has very little to do with religion. It’s ALL about RELATIONSHIP. It’s about having one, with THE ONE. 🙂 Tyra lived her religion, Tamar lives her relationship. Don’t just go through the motions of religion, live them. Don’t pray for the sake of praying, pray because you want to carry on a conversation with the One who heals; because Jesus loves you. Don’t go to church because it’s something Christians do, go to church because He’s told us not to forsake gathering together with fellow believers; because Jesus loves you. Don’t get involved in volunteering because it’s the right thing to do, do it because He’s asked us to be His hands and feet; because Jesus loves you. Jesus loves YOU. Jesus came and fought religion because He doesn’t want empty rituals and empty sacrifices, He wants a marriage relationship with YOU. If that relationship involves a ritual or two, and what relationship doesn’t, then that’s OK. But it’s not the ritual that He wants, it’s not the ritual that He loves, He loves YOU!

Most parents go through a bed time ritual with their children. Usually because the routine of it bring the child comfort in its predictability, it helps the child know what time it is and prepares them for sleep, and they’re fun. As the parent, you don’t go through the ritual just to do the ritual, you go through it for your child’s benefit. There are parts of it that you enjoy and benefit from, but you do it for their sake, not wholly your own. God is the same way. He’s given us rituals to follow to bring us comfort in their predictability, especially when life is so unpredictable! He’s given us rituals to help us know and remember what time it is and to prepare us for what is coming next. But it’s not the rituals that He loves, it’s not the customs we have or the words that we say that He loves, it’s us. The rituals and customs and rules are supposed to REMIND us of Him and His unending love for us. And it’s easy to get so caught up in these things that we forget to look to whom they are pointing. They’re supposed to be pointing us to a relationship with Jesus, to an ever new level of intimacy with Him until we finally get to go home and know Him as we are known. That is what a relationship with Him is about, constantly getting to know Him better. That’s what any relationship is about! You don’t stop getting to know your husband the day you get married, that’s the day you REALLY start to get to know him!

I challenge you today to be thoughtful in what way you can get to know Jesus better; today and every day here after. He is desperate for you, are you desperate for Him? If not, ask Him why you aren’t and start seeking ways to become desperate for Him; hungry for His presence His touch in your life. It’s like a drug that isn’t illegal and shouldn’t ever be, are you addicted to Him? Do you wanna be? I’ve got some you can try, it’s the really good stuff, the kind that you NEVER come down off of either. Because He promises to NEVER leave you or forsake you, not ever; because Jesus loves you.

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Who’s Holding the Scissors?

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

Mommy: “Anna, your pants have been cut! Who cut them???”

Anna (4 yr old): “The scissors did.”

Mommy: “and who was holding the scissors……?”
Oh, how many times we would love to blame the scissors for the cuts in our lives! The pens for the misspelled words, the guns for the deaths, the paper for the cuts. But is it ever really the scissors’ fault? So often I’d really like to… no, I do, blame the Tempter for my sins. But was it really his fault? He didn’t make me sin, I chose to. He didn’t make me say those words, I chose to.

Lord, today, please help me choose to obey You and not give in to sin. Please deliver me from the evil that prowls around like a lion seeking whom he can devour. Lord, I thank You and praise You that he can not devour me! Though he may maul me, he can not devour me. Though I may be pressed I am never crushed. I may be persecuted but I am never abandoned, struck down but never destroyed. Because I am blessed beyond the curse, Your promises will endure and Your name will be my strength! You are my God in whom I trust, so whom shall I fear? Neither height nor depth nor the darkness of night can separate me from Your loving embrace and I praise You for that! Lord, thank You for being who You are! My God in whom I place my trust.

Lord, I praise that You have mercy on me, according to Your unfailing love and Your great compassion You have blotted out my transgressions. You have cleansed me from all my stain-filled sins and washed me as white as a newly cleaned carpet that once had a stubborn grape juice stain on it from a careless 4-year-old that brought an open cup into the living room.  (Oh Lord, I digress! Focus girl!) Lord, thank You for creating in me a pure heart and renewing a steadfast spirit with in me.

Lord, I praise You that You have restored to me the joy of Your salvation and have granted me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Lord, KEEP ME FROM SIN! I can’t stand to be away from Your presence and light. The dark has become too dark for me. The shadows too dreary, the gloom too gloomy. I praise You for restoring my spirit by helping me see the folly of my ways and to realize I was heading off in the wrong direction like a toddler wandering off in the store in search of the toy aisle, not realizing that that is where You were headed to begin with! Lord thank You for calling my name and grabbing my hand to keep me from walking into the oncoming traffic of my foolish and rash choices. You are SO GOOD! I love You LORD, thank You for being who You are! My GOD in whom I place my trust and my life!

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Day 22: Pot and Kettle

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)

To translate this passage into modern lingo, Jesus was basically saying “it’s like the pot calling the kettle black”.  I believe that it is simply human nature to be able to see the flaws in other people before we see the flaws in ourselves, especially if it’s the exact same flaw.  It’s so much easier to see the speck in someone else’s eye isn’t it?  But for shame if they point out the log in ours!  In marriage we have to be especially careful of this, I mean you are living with the person after all.  You get to see ALL their flaws that way!  In his letter to the Philippians, Paul says to Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:3-5  In this verse Paul is telling us we are to do nothing out of selfish ambition and to put the interests of others before our own.  It’s too easy to get so focused on what we’re doing that we forget all about our husband’s needs and interests.  And that is what was happening in my marriage.  I was so focused on me and how mad I was at Christian that it was all I could see.  I was so focused on the speck in his eye and trying to “help” him take it out that I never noticed the log in my own eye!  Then one night God held up a mirror for me to see myself.  “Hey look!  There’s a log in my eye!  When did that get there?”

I have an activity that I’d like for you to do.  This was a complete turning point for me and I’m praying that it will do the same thing for you as well.  You’ll need a couple of pieces of lined paper and a pen.

Dream husband (from Dannah Gresh’s book And the Bride Wore White: 7 Secrets to Sexual Purity): Now, this one is really fun.  Make a list of everything your dream husband would be.  What would he look like?  How would he dress?  What personality traits would he have?  Is he funny?  Is he witty?  What would his goals be?  Does he want to run a marathon?  Or maybe write a book?  Be detailed in your descriptions.  Don’t just say, he’s funny, say why he’s funny.

Now look at your list, how many of those qualities does your husband already possess?  If you’re like me, he has the majority of them.  By the time I got down to the end of my list I realized I already HAD my perfect husband.  No he wasn’t actively doing all the things on my list but he had, at least in the past, done all of them!  And, no, he wasn’t perfect, but he was the perfect husband for me, and I found that I still loved him.  And after this activity, I decided to start liking him again too.

That’s also when I realized that it’s not my job to change my husband.  That’s a job only God can do.  However, God could (and did) use me to change my husband.  He used me, by changing me.  In Luke 6:27-31 it says:

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either.  Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.  Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”

You see, it’s in those moments when we’re being un-loveable, that we need our husband’s love the most.  Don’t return harsh words with harsh words, return them with love.  No, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it because when you act out in love instead of anger, or hurt, the negative cycle is broken and a new cycle of love is started.

God loved US first.  God’s love is perfect, never-ending, never goes away and never dies.  If we don’t know that kind of love how can we give that kind of love to our husbands?  When we mess us, and I mean really mess up big, God never, not for a second, stops loving us.  Never.  So when our husbands mess up, we can’t stop loving them, not for a second.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails; (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

To love your husband means you are patient when he is late.  You are kind when all you want to do is be mean (which, for me at least, is extremely hard to do).  You don’t envy or boast.  Don’t be conceited or act rudely.  Don’t be a selfish pig (another of my faults), life is not all about you.  Don’t be provoked into a fight, don’t keep a record (written or in your head) of all the things he’s done wrong.  To love your husband means to take no joy in ungodly things, but rejoice in the truth!  If your husband has done something against you (adultery for instance, as in my case) and he tells you about it, REJOICE IN THE TRUTH!  Bear all things, he’s human, not God, bear with him.  Believe in your husband, hope in him, endure him, but most of all NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM.

No matter how you’re feeling about your husband right now, deep down you still love him don’t you.  In fact, usually, if you’re mad at him it’s because you still love him.  If you didn’t have love for him anymore you wouldn’t care anymore and would have no reason to be mad.  One night we had a fire in the backyard with the kids.  When it was time for us to go inside for the night there were no flames left in the fire, only a few embers.  We wanted to make sure that it was completely out before we went in, so I got a gallon and a half of water and poured it on the embers.  While the flames were long gone from the fire, there was still enough heat in those few little embers that it boiled the water, created steam and a lot of cool popping noises.  Plus, it took the whole gallon and a half to put them out!  Don’t give up, while there may not be any flames right now, there are most likely at least a few embers and so, there’s still hope!

You see change has got to start somewhere; the cycle’s got to break.  If you want your marriage and sex life to change, then YOU’VE got to be the one to change, not him.  You’ll be amazed at the difference a little attitude adjustment will do for your sex life!  One last Proverb and then I’ll go for the day.  “The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and each is tested by the praise accorded him.” (27:21)  The true test of how good of a wife we are comes from the praise we receive from our husbands.  Is your husband praising you?  I know mine wasn’t praising me, because I wasn’t earning it.

Christian’s comments:

OK, husbands, I want you to stand up. Go ahead. Now, clear your throat and say “I am a selfish pig”. Did you do it? I just did.  OK, go ahead and sit down before people start to stare at you.

I believe it is human nature to put ourselves first. The reason I was coming home late wasn’t (entirely) because I didn’t want to be around my wife, I was out late doing what I wanted to do. After I realized what I was doing and how it was affecting my marriage, I changed. I try to put my wife first (especially in the bedroom, if you know what I mean). If you start putting her first, she will start putting you first and your marriage (and sex) will be amazing!

In Tamar’s second to last paragraph above, she stated that change needed to start with the wives. This isn’t just up to them, though, guys. YOU have to be willing to change too. YOU can be the one to start the change. You can’t expect your marriage to get better if you keep doing the same stupid things after your wife has changed.

I’d like to put a little twist on Tamar’s activity: the shopping list. I would like you to make a shopping list for your perfect wife. I’m not going to suggest any questions, but I would like you to come up with at least five, but no more than ten. Go ahead and take a minute right now to make your list.

Done? Good. This may shock you, but I’m not interested in your answers. I’m interested in your questions. More precisely, what you were thinking about while you were writing them. I’m willing to bet, that when you were writing most, if not all, of your questions, you were thinking about your wife, i.e., if you asked about what color her hair would be, you thought about your wife’s hair. That’s what happened when I made my list. Interesting, isn’t it?

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Day 13: One and Only

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

A ruler questioned Him saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”  Luke 18:18

Through the years I think everyone has asked that question and there are a lot of different answers to it.  While I can’t claim to know for certain the one true answer, remember I am not a theologian, I can tell you what Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good?  No one is good except God alone.  You know the commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not bear false witness, honor your father and mother.’”  And he said, “All these I have kept since my youth.”  When Jesus heard this, He said to him, “One thing you still lack; sell all that you possess and distribute it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” Luke 18:19-22 The man hadn’t broken a single commandment in his entire life, he was a “good person”, and yet he still “lacked one thing”.  That one thing was a relationship with Jesus.

So many people think that being a good person and doing good things is enough to declare them worthy.  No one is completely sinless and deserving of heaven (Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God).  There is NOTHING you can DO to earn a ticket to heaven.

Romans 4:24-25 says: but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification. You see, it’s kind of like each one of us has our own spiritual credit card.  Every time we sin it “rings up” a debt that has to be paid before we can get into heaven.  Because Psalm 5:4 tells us: For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; no evil dwells with You. While still sinful we cannot live in heaven with God because we have no way to pay that debt.  Nothing we DO can ever change the balance.

However, God loves us and He made a way.  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)  For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15) Jesus lived a completely sinless life -zero balance on his “card”, and yet He CHOSE to die on the cross to pay for all of our sins.  (He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5:21)  When Jesus died He paid our debt, the whole thing.  It’s like; He called the credit card company, requested a balance transfer, and said “I’ll pay it all for them.”  So here we stand today with a balance on our cards and Jesus on the phone saying He’ll pay it all off IF we want Him to.  Hmmmmm…. let me think; zero balance on my sin card AND eternal life filled with His love…. Um, YEAH! I’ll take that deal.

Jesus said, “In my Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.  If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.  And you know the way  where I am going.”  Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?”  Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through me.” (John 14:2-6 emphasis mine)  Jesus is THE way to God the Father in heaven.  He didn’t say that He was ONE of the ways; He is THE ONE AND ONLY WAY.  We don’t get to heaven by who we are or what we’ve done.  We are forgiven and able to go to heaven because of who JESUS is and what JESUS has done.  Period.  If you don’t believe me, look it up for yourself, it’s all right there in black and white and red.

You see it’s all about belief:

[Y/N] Do you believe in God the Father?

[Y/N ] Do you believe in Jesus His Son?

[Y/N ] Do you believe that Jesus is the only way to the Father?

[Y/N ] Do you believe that Jesus died for you on the cross?

[Y/N ] Do you believe that His death was enough to pay for your sins?

[Y/N ] Are you sorry for the sins that you have committed in the past?

[Y/N ] Have you prayed and asked forgiveness for those sins?

[Y/N ] Have you prayed and accepted Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross as payment for those sins?

[Y/N ] Have you prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to come live in your heart and help you not to purposefully sin in the future?

[Y/N ] Does someone else know about your commitment to God yet?

If you answered yes to all of the above then you are a beloved Child of God and fellow follower of Christ.  I look forward to meeting you in heaven my sister.

However, this is not the end, this is just the beginning!  It’s the beginning of a NEW YOU, a NEW LIFE in Christ.  One where Christ lives through you and you – love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).  To do that, you love your spouse more than you love yourself.  Because love requires sacrifice & love requires obedience.

In John 3:36 it says that Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but he who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him. Notice, the words translated “does not obey”, in the original Greek is apeitheo which means “to refuse belief and obedience”.  With the meaning of this one word, all of salvation is explained.  Belief and obedience are tied together as one.  To believe in Jesus is to obey him!  We’ll go over this a little more tomorrow.

Christian’s comments:

I used to work with a guy that said he thought he would go to heaven because he “lived a good life”. Sure, he was a good guy. He donated a little to charity. He helped people when he could. However, he didn’t have Christ in his heart. He also didn’t go to church or tithe. I asked him, once, why he didn’t go to church. His answer? “I like to sleep in on weekends.” I tried to explain that there were services throughout the day, even in the evenings. He explained that he was “too busy”. I worked with this man for almost two years and could never convince him that “leading a good life” wasn’t enough to get into heaven. He was living with Jesus as his savior, but not as his Lord. You have to live your life according to God, for Jesus to be your savior.

It scares me to think about all the people in this world that think leading a good life will get them into heaven. If I had longer time to work with and minister to my co-worker, I might have brought him to Christ (I like to think that I could have anyway). However, my work time with him was cut short, and I had to move on.

I’m praying that the change this fast has made in me will lead my friends, derby buddies, and coworkers to Christ. I pray that they will see me living with Jesus as my Lord and not just my Savior and want the same things that are happening to me.

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Day 9: Holy

Posted on May 26, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

What agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, “I will dwell in them and walk among them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.  Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate,” says the Lord.  “And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you.” 2 Corinthians 6:16-17

In the bible the books are divided into 2 sections: The Old Testament, (books written before Christ was born) and the New Testament (books written after Christ was born).  In these 2 sections God’s priorities for His people’s lives shift inward.  The Old Testament is filled with stories of miraculous events, most of which are very large-scale and grand.  Showing us how BIG God is and what He is capable of.  Then Jesus comes along and the miracles of the New Testament are more personal, they are intimate.  The majority of the miracles described in the New Testament are miracles of people set free from bondage of one form or another.  Miracles of debilitating illnesses healed, evil spirits cast out, and sins forgiven.  The life of the afflicted individual changed FOREVER.  God’s involvement in His people’s lives gets much more intimate as you segue from the Old Testament to the New Testament.

This intimate involvement is proved very precisely by what happened to a curtain in the temple on the day Jesus died.  Up until that moment God’s presence filled a room in the temple known as the Holy of Holies.  As a shield to that room there was a curtain.  No one was allowed behind that curtain.  Only after many ceremonies and ritual cleansings was the high priest even allowed behind it and that was only once a year! Since the presence of the LORD God filled that room behind the curtain, for anyone to enter His presence unprepared would have killed them.

According to Mark’s gospel, at the moment of Jesus’ death the curtain that separated God from the rest of the world was torn in two.  God had made a way for EVERYONE to come to Him and NOT die instantly.  Up to that point in history very few people knew what God’s voice actually sounded like.  Only a handful of them had ever talked to Him in person.  When Jesus died He made a way for us enter the Holy of Holies without fear of death.  Because of Jesus and His willing sacrifice we can go to God on a PERSONAL level.  He is no longer this BIG unapproachable God, He is intimate and loving and wonderful and caring.  He always was before but He couldn’t fully show us Himself in such an intimate way.  If someone needed to ask for forgiveness they had to go to the priests in the temple and offer an animal sacrifice.  They performed the rituals required of them and they left.  The priests would accept the sacrifices on behalf of the Lord.  The individual that had sinned would never be able to enter into the Lord’s presence to ask for forgiveness personally.

When you choose to accept Jesus’ sacrifice of love, the gift of salvation, you get to cut out the middle man!  God goes from being an unapproachable God living in a box in a temple to taking up residence in your heart; YOU become the Holy of Holies, your body!  Yes, really!  He lives in you and through you every day.  When you choose to accept Jesus for who He says that He is, you are choosing to live a life that will honor Him.  In essence you are choosing to no longer make the sinful choices that you made in the past and instead strive to make choices that Jesus Himself would make.

Be a good person.  Build your knowledge of who Jesus is.  Exhibit self-control (especially right now since you’re supposed to be fasting from ALL sexual activity).  Persevere, life is hard.  But fear not for Jesus has conquered this life, and so can we, through Him.  Be a godly person, not just a good person.  Brotherly kindness, as a child of God every human alive is a brother or sister, treat them that way.  Be kind to the people around you.  Love.  Love everyone like He loves us, yes it’s hard, but it’s worth it.  We don’t deserve the love that He’s given us, so let’s pass some of that underserved love on to someone else today.  Maybe even your husband.

Christian’s comments:

Your body is the new temple. So husbands, build a nice temple. I’m not talking about the outside. It doesn’t matter what kind of shape you’re in (like the old saying goes, “Round is a shape”), it matters what kind of shape the inside is in. However, you should take care of yourself so your wife can enjoy you longer.

It doesn’t matter how nice a church, temple, or tabernacle is they are just buildings. They could be an old house, an office building, a shed, or even just a tent. What makes them holy places is the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Obviously, He isn’t always going to be a fog or a wind, but He is there.

I’ve been in churches where you can feel the Holy Spirit as a slight tickle on your body. I’ve been in churches where the Holy Spirit makes the hair on your body stand on end. I’ve been in churches where you could feel the Holy Spirit flowing out of the building when you open the door, as if the building can’t contain Him. Your temple (body) should be like my last example. The Holy Spirit should fill you so much that you can’t hold Him in and you just have to share Him with those around you.

Now, with that said, you need to lead by example. You can’t spread the Holy Spirit effectively if you don’t follow the steps Tamar listed above. You must live your life with as little sin as possible. Notice I didn’t say “with no sin.” It is impossible to live a completely sinless life. All we can do is make the choices needed to avoid as much sin as we can. That might mean avoiding web sites that might contain questionable photos. It might also mean not hanging around people who don’t lead a good example, tempting you to not lead by a good example. It might also mean changing your vocabulary if you “swear like a sailor”.

Will it be hard to change some of these things? Yes it will. But you know what, life’s hard, get a helmet.3

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Day 3: Return

Posted on May 20, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord.  Luke 1:45

Bessed is she who believed.  Do YOU believe that God can heal your marriage?  I believed; and it totally changed the course of my entire life.  God’s plans for us are so much bigger and better than our own plans.  HE knows the future, we don’t.  Trust Him.  He is faithful to His word.  When you obey Him, He blesses you.  Sometimes more than you can bear.  So I hope you’re ready for this!

I would like to share a letter to God that I wrote in the beginning of this journey.

“Lord, my heart is so broken right now.  I am so consumed with Christian and his neglect of his duties to us.  I don’t understand what you want me to do.  I know that you don’t want divorce because I have a blood covenant with him, but he hurts my feelings so much.  I feel like he’s sucking the spirit from me.  Yet I love him so desperately.  I can’t REALLY leave him.  You’re not really telling me to leave the husband of my youth are you?  Surely not.  What you have joined together let no man tear asunder right?

Lord, I need an undivided heart, one where BOTH halves are pumping and functioning together as one.  PLEASE help us become one again.  And not just for a short time but for forever.  Please please please don’t let it come to this again!  Please Lord, I’m begging you; heal us back together again so that we are one functioning heart again.  Let the two become one and stay that way!”

Reading that letter again I remember the pain and grief that I felt over how our relationship was fairing.  Yet, it makes me happy to read it, because it shows me just how far we’ve truly come; how far God has brought us on the path of healing.  In response to this letter do you know what God told me?  Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; (Acts 3:19) He gave me my answer.  Repent, turn to God, and times of refreshing WOULD come.  Not maybe they’d get here, they WOULD come.  I had already repented of my sin of pre-marital sex and I believe God had forgiven me for it.  But I hadn’t forgiven myself, and I certainly hadn’t forgiven Christian for taking my virginity before it was time to take it.  Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t rape me, if I had told him “no” he would NOT have had sex with me.

I’ll never forget that moment of decision as long as I live!  We were lying there completely naked together, Christian over me asking “What do you think?”  And I heard God’s desperate plea in my right ear say: “Baby, don’t do this!”  But the tempter was right there too, in my left ear, “Oh, it’s no big deal, you’re going to marry each other at some point anyway so what difference does it make if you do it now or later?  It’s all the same.  Go ahead.  Do it.”  And just like Eve, I believed his LIE!  So instead of saying “no”, I said “yes”.  And that moment, the moment I said “yes” instead of “no”, changed everything.  That moment of disobedience turned my world upside down.

So, back in the present day, what’s a girl to do?!?  I felt like I needed to talk to Christian and in the least, request an apology from him.  But as I was preparing for my “talk” with him I did a lot of praying and scripture searching.  I felt that we needed to do more than just ask for forgiveness, we needed to DO something.  “God guide me!” I said.  He immediately made my eyes fall on Ezekiel 33:14-16.  But when I say to the wicked, “You will surely die,” and he turns from his sin and practices justice and righteousness, if a wicked man restores a pledge, pays back what he has taken by robbery, walks by the statutes which ensure life without committing iniquity, he shall surely live; he shall not die.  None of his sins that he has committed will be remembered against him.  He has practiced justice and righteousness; he shall surely live.

God gave me the steps to take.  1) Repent of our sin of sexual immorality by asking for forgiveness from God, each other, and ourselves.  2) Do what is right and restore what has been taken, therefore making restitution.  3) Sin no more.  Once we’ve done those three things NONE of our sins will be held against us anymore!  We will be free!  “OK”, I thought.  “I can do that!  Ummm, but Lord, how can I pay You back?  How can Christian return what he stole from me?  I mean… A hymen’s not really something that grows back ya know.”  That’s when the idea of fasting came to mind.  How can you give back sex?  Stop having it!  Not forever obviously, just for a time.  In 1 Corinthians 7:5 Paul writes: Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. He was telling his followers in the church of Corinth that they should not withhold sex from their spouses except to grow closer to God, and only for a specific period of time so that the enemy would not tempt them to commit sexual immorality.  All of this seemed to fit perfectly for our situation.  I needed to repent and return the things that I had stolen and I needed to do that by abstaining from sexual relations with my husband for 30 days (which is the traditional length of a mourning period, fitting I thought).  I knew that Christian would not be happy about it, but I also knew that I would give him no choice.  And he’s a great man; I knew he wouldn’t force me.

Christian’s comments:

Christian was not happy, not happy at all. No sex for 30 days! We weren’t having sex all that often, but 30 days? That’s like a month!

Yeah, I wasn’t happy and I didn’t really understand either. But it was important to Tamar, so it was important to me.

As was stated in chapter one, as well as here, I wasn’t a great husband. No, I wasn’t a good husband, or father. I’d stay out late, working on demolition derby cars at one of my friends’ shops. I would only begrudgingly come home if Tamar had something to go to. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Tamar, but to me, everything I had going on was more important that anything she had going on. Little did I know, that’s what was tearing us apart.

The fast came along about the same time that I began to realize that I was a major problem in our marriage (after the pre-marital sex, multiple partners, masturbation, and porn of course). So I thought, “Hey, if this will help us to get closer, I’m in.” Boy howdy! Have we ever gotten closer (Wink wink, nudge nudge). Things aren’t perfect, but they are much better, and getting better every day.

Categories: The Crazy Mom Blog | Tags: , , ,

Day 2: Shadows

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Mrs Knochel

For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths.  His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin.  He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray. Proverbs 5:21-23

In this proverb it talks about how our sins capture us, tying us up in cords.  Our lack of knowledge will lead us astray and cause us to make mistakes.  Our sins have enormous impact on our lives, especially when it’s not immediately evident. 

Take Adam and Eve for example.  In the Garden of Eden, God had originally commanded Adam: “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil for when you eat of it you will surely die.” (Genesis 2:16-17)  Then, later, in Genesis 3: 4 Eve has a conversation with a talking snake where he tells her that she will not “surely die”.  And she believed him!  She took the fruit… ate it… HEY!  No death!  Well, huh, no immediately evident death anyway.  There was immediate death alright.  The death of innocence, and the birth of guilt, shame and sorrow.  That is what disobedience (sin) will do; it immediately births guilt and shame and sorrow; all things that God never wants you to live with.

Have you ever spent time just looking at a shadow?  I mean really watching it?  Everything casts a shadow, even glass.  Old sins, those things we did when we were younger, those things cast shadows too.  Each sin that goes un-repented is like a brick in the blessing blockade.  The bigger the blockade the bigger the shadow it casts.  At “high noon” when the sin took place, the shadow was small and barely noticeable (ie. “I was just sowing my wild oats.”)  However, the longer the sin stays in your heart the bigger, longer, and farther reaching its shadow becomes.  Someday, if you sit and observe the shadows outside, as time passes you’ll notice that the shadows get longer and begin to creep over other objects in their path.  They begin to block out the light from the Son to those other things.  That is what past sins from your life can and will do.  The longer those sins stay locked up in the closet of your mind the bigger and farther reaching their shadows become.  Eventually, they start creeping and covering other aspects of your life; blocking God’s light from touching them.  I can’t speak for you my friend, however I know that I had old sins, and they were casting very long shadows.  Those shadows were covering our marriage and blocking God’s loving grace from shining down on us.  They were blocking out the light of my husband’s love for me, and they were blocking my love from truly reaching my children.  These old sins, the ones that I’d shoved down into a teeny tiny box in the farthest corner of the back closet of my mind; they were the ones that were causing me so much grief.  Sometimes the only way to fix a current situation is to go back to the beginning.  Rewind time so to speak and fix the root of the problem and not just the symptom of it.  For us, the root of the problem was our pre-marital sexual experiences: pre-marital sex, emotional adultery, and porn/masturbation/self-pleasuring (we’ll go more into depth on each of these later).  These activities performed both before our wedding vows and after, could have ruined our marriage if they had continued to grow and “shadow” over other things.  However, through the power of Christ, we are not only forgiven of the sins that we committed, against Him, ourselves, and each other, we were also freed from the “cords that ensnared us” and our sexual blessing blockade tumbled down! 

One morning, early on in the writing process for this book, God gave me a very sobering and heartbreaking vision, one I’ll not soon forget.  We were standing high on a cliff looking down on a large town.  As I looked down onto this sleeping town it was like Earth had turned into hell.  Almost every house was black, charred as if it had burned somewhat.  Between the houses, rivers of lava flowed in the streets.  The cries coming from these houses were mournful and desperate.  But the cries weren’t from human lips; they were being made by human souls.  Every living soul in every charred house was crying, mourning.  God turned to me and said, “This is what sexual sin does to you.  It brings hell to Earth.”  As I’m writing this I just want to sob.  My soul cries out, not for myself (at least not anymore) but for every living thing in those houses.  Because I remember what it was like inside my house before God came in and remodeled it.  My house was burned to a crisp!  My sexual sin and my husband’s were burning our house down.  It was tearing us apart.  The stress in our home was palpable.  My husband was never home, I was miserable, my children were unhappy, life was filled with tears. 

Is your soul in torment?  In the Garden of Eden, after they had eaten the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve hid from God.  Are you hiding from God?  Out of guilt, or grief, or shame?  God knows where you are and He has come to you, in your place of hiding.  He is standing next to you with His outstretched hand hoping that you will take it, stand back up, and follow Him.  He loves you no matter what your condition and no matter what you’ve done.  Really, no matter WHAT you’ve done.  There is nothing under the sun that you have done that God hasn’t seen done before and isn’t willing to forgive.  There is NOTHING you could ever do to make Him stop loving you, not even for a second.  Nothing.  Period! 

Christian’s comments:

Have you ever gotten a splinter in your finger and not been able to get it out? If left too long, the splinter will irritate you more and more. It will eventually get infected and swollen. It will start to affect your daily life. If left long enough, the infection could get bad enough that your finger would need to be amputated. Or worse, the infection could spread and your whole hand could be lost. Obviously, I’m being dramatic. I’ve never known anyone that left a splinter in their finger long enough for that to happen. I did hear about a guy with one in his foot, but that’s a story for a different time (and book).  Anyway…

An old sin is like the splinter. The longer you hold onto that sin, the more it affects you. Everything reminds you of it. People, places, things people say. Eventually, you can’t stop thinking about it and it really starts to affect your life.

As you may have guessed, I’m the one that had pre-marital sex with other people; two girls in college to be exact. We have come to agree that if Tamar and I had not had sex when we did, I don’t think I would have had sex with those two other girls. After Tamar and I had “done it”, I realized what I was missing. I think I may be getting ahead of myself, let’s do a little history.

 It all started when I was in jr. high. That’s when I started masturbating. Shortly after I took up masturbation, I started looking at pornography. (I learned later that God considers it adultery to look lustfully, and masturbate to, other women.) After a while, the porn became a tool for masturbation. (I’m using the word “porn” very broadly. I didn’t necessarily look at magazines full of naked people; I would also look at scantily clad people in Cosmo, or catalogs, or on the internet. I would even just read about people having sex. To me, porn is that broad of a subject. To this day, I still have to guard myself against looking at magazines and catalogs. Some of the images in them can bring some of those temptations back to the surface. The enemy will use all the tools at his disposal to get you to slip and fall.)

All of this finally built to a crescendo, the porn and masturbation weren’t enough.  I “needed” physical satisfaction from someone else. Tamar was several hours away, so I found someone at school to get that satisfaction. Afterwards, it all started tearing me up inside. I started suffering from depression. I didn’t want to spend time with my family, friends, or anybody. I’d just sit and watch TV and wonder why my life was falling down around me.  Because of this fast, I found out why. Keep reading, and you will too.

Categories: The Crazy Mom Blog | Tags: , , , ,

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