This is yesterday’s post. I’m sending it to you from the LIBRARY! Still not workin’ at my house! Grrrrrrr……. Keep praying friends, we WILL get this worked out! Also, I have not had time to proofread this post so if you wouldn’t mind being my editors today, if you find a typo please let me know! Thank you!!! J I love you guys!

John 18:19-21:25

While I was at the conference over the weekend, God really touched me. In more ways than I even realize. But the major breakthrough that I had, was my heart. I’ve been talking recently about how I’ve “felt off” and things just weren’t “quite right”. Well, last Sunday, a week before the conference I had reached out to God during worship and He reached back in a mighty way. (I love when He does that! You can read about it here.) It was during worship that God showed me we had reached a plateau. It wasn’t a bad thing; in fact it was actually kind of a nice little resting spot. It was quiet and had nice plush green grass for my little sheep teeth to munch on. Spiritually I was in this place with God where “sweet intimacy” is really the best way to describe it. You know those times with your husband when you’re just hanging out at home in front of the TV, you’re not really talking to each other, you’re not really doing anything, and you’re just there together. You laugh, you smile at one another from across the room, you graze your fingers across the top of his head as you walk by his chair, you know, that kind of sweet intimacy that only comes from being together for an extended amount of time. It’s not bad in any way shape or form, not in the least. But yet, there are times when you’re in those places and you begin to long for something more… fiery.

That’s where I was with God. Like I said, it wasn’t a bad place, but it was making me hungry for more of Him working in my life. And I had been praying to that effect lately too.

And there was something else that I had been praying for, something NO ONE knew about. I had been feeling “numb” and I didn’t like it. I kept wondering if I was depressed or something. These amazing things have been happening in my life and yet I didn’t feel like I could fully enjoy them. I wasn’t happy about them. It was the strangest thing. And honestly, I was starting to get worried about myself.

At the same time God had been teaching me a lot about the power of His love. And OH BOY is it some POWERFUL STUFF!!! Woo!

So here I am, God’s pouring out blessing and favor all over my little head, and yet I wasn’t felling loved by Him, I wasn’t feeling satisfied by His blessings, I wasn’t happy about them for more than a mere moment or two, I just felt stuck and I DID NOT LIKE IT! For months I have been praying (as part of the Morning Prayer) that God would “open my heart to fully receive His love for me today”. I knew that I can only give what I have been given. I can only bless others with what I have been blessed with. I knew that God was pouring His love out on me every day in wonderous ways, yet I didn’t feel like it was getting through, being fully received. I knew that insecurity in His love for me was the root of a LOT of really bad things, a LOT. So I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss a single drop of the love that He had been pouring out for me, and yet I felt like I was. Why?

But then I went to the conference. God had been preparing me for what awaited me there. Him. In full force He showed up and He showed up with FLAIR! He showed up in the face of every single gorgeous woman that walked through that door. He showed up in their voices as we sang and made one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. On Friday night I wept at the sound of those beautiful women singing His praises as He filled my heart with love for them. His love for them. That night, as we sang, I gave Him my ministry, my books, my writing. I told Him that it didn’t matter to me if I sold another book as long as I live, the ONLY thing I wanted was more of Him.

And the funny thing is, I really really meant it. I ended that service up at the altar with my forehead pressed to the carpet and saturating it with my snot. Yup, it was the ugly cry. I did a LOT of ugly crying this weekend. Oh, come on, you know the ugly cry. The one that starts in your TOES and comes out in choked sobs with more salty tears and clear snot than you can shake a stick at! The kind of cry where you can’t seem to breathe anymore because you’re crying so hard. Yeah, you know what I mean. That was the point He had me in at the altar Friday night. Ugly crying begging Him for more of Him. It actually surprised me how desperate I had become for Him.

As I pulled myself up from the tear-stained floor (that mind you they didn’t want coffee on, but snot and tears, sure that’s OK.) I felt better than I had in a long time. Just like you often do after a good cry. Our group went back to the hotel and had quite the late night hoot-a-nanny. I didn’t sleep a wink between my BFF snoring like a chainsaw two feet from my head (we staged an intervention the next morning, CPAP machine here she comes), and this weird fear I had picked up about evil spirits roaming through the hotel rooms making it necessary for me to stay awake so that I could tell them to leave if one managed to find its way into our room. It wouldn’t have been smart of them. So the next day when I managed to pull myself up I wasn’t in the greatest of moods anymore. But I kept telling myself that God gave Esther’s husband a sleepless night the night before their big breakthrough so maybe that was what God was doing for me… I wasn’t wrong.

That morning we got a s l o w start. Which set us up perfectly for the divine appointment that Tammy and I had prayed for and God had planned for us. But then this appointment also managed to make us miss the entire morning worship time. So now my not great mood is slightly more intensified.

Like I said, I had been struggling with an inability to focus on the positive and instead I was focusing on the negative which stole my joy. And this is NOT me. I’ve never been that type of person.

So now, through the entire first session of the morning I felt like I was in this cloud of negativity. And even though I kept trying to think about the positive things God was doing right then and there, I just couldn’t hold onto them.

All through the day, the cloud lessened, but it never went away entirely. And I hated it. I did my best to push through it, but there was only so much I could do. At lunch I looked at my friend Karen and told her that God had said, “Before you leave today have Karen pray for you.” She has a deliverance ministry. So right then and there, behind my book table right out in the open in front of everyone (not how I would have planned it), my three friends laid their hands on me and prayed for me. And while it was nice, and I cried, inside I knew that “that” wasn’t it. Karen wasn’t done yet. And she wasn’t.

By the final session of the conference I had only sold one book. And I’ll admit I was pretty disappointed about it. I had been hoping for a mortgage payment to come from these books, and I’d only sold one. So I stood there with arms high and heart abandoned and told God, “If I don’t sell another book, I will still love You.” And it was at that moment that Tammy quickly started grabbing all her things and then leaned over to me and said, “I’m going out to the table!” I smiled at the fierce loyalty of my friends and received the tiny shred of hope that had been handed to me. “Maybe we WILL sell some more books today.”

Well then the speaker and the praise leader both kept saying “Give it all to Him”. And I stood there searching my heart and said, “Lord, what more can I give you? What of me have I not given You? PLEASE tell me so I can give it to You!” To which He reassured me that there was nothing more. Which then made me ask, “God, then why can’t I sell these books? What am I doing wrong, what’s going on that is keeping people from buying them? I don’t understand.” And immediately Karen was at my side with both hands on my shoulders praying intently for me. I couldn’t hear what she started with, but the first thing she said was, “Lord, please help her know how much You love her.” And that was all I needed to hear. I knew that “that” was it. I had been praying it for weeks and here was the moment. I grabbed onto both her hands with my own in total abandoned agreement to whatever the Holy Spirit led her to pray for me. The ugly cry came back out in severe force this time because now I was holding someone’s hands and couldn’t even wipe my nose! But it didn’t matter, God was doing something, and I knew it was something BIG. I knew it was something completely and totally necessary that I wasn’t allowed to leave with out it. A new heart.

That’s the only way that I can describe it. As I stood there with Karen’s hands on my shoulders and her words in my ears I began to feel a tingling warmth deep inside my belly. Now, the Bible talks about the soul being in the belly of a person, because that’s where all the really deep-seated emotions are felt. So when I felt that in my belly I knew that I knew that I knew God was breaking chains deep inside me that only HE could break. And He was using Karen to do it! Not the evangelist, not the super certified pastor who’s been doing it for years and years and it’s what everyone knows him for, no. He used my Karen. My friend. My friend who knows what it’s like to stand in faith and obedience and be broken down because of it. She knows that pain just like I do. And that means the world to me.

As we pulled ourselves apart and went to worshipping singularly again I said, out loud, “Jesus loves ME.” And for the FIRST time I felt it go from my head all the way down to the very pit of my stomach and bounce back out as the most giddy joy-filled laugh. It felt so good that I said it again, “Jesus love ME!” And as my laugh started before I was fully finished with the sentence I realized that for the first time I REALLY REALLY believed it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always believed it in my head, that’s NOT by any means NEW information. But it was a new revelation. The best way that I can describe it was that before I had a pair of handcuffs on with a few links of chain between them. With my hands chained together I could only hold a small amount of the love that God was pouring out over me. And over the years I had filled it up; my plateau. But right there in that sanctuary through the words that my FRIEND spoke over me, God BROKE that chain and my hands flew apart and can now be FILLED with His love for ME.

The power of God’s love is TREMENDOUS. I’ve said that before and meant it whole-heartedly. But now when I say it, I understand what I’m saying. I “get it” now. Yeah, He died for us all, that’s great. No, the miracle is that He died for ME. He didn’t die for all of us as a whole, He died for all of us as INDIVIDUALS! And THAT is the miracle.

John 8:31-11:37

“This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” John 11:4

There’s nothing like a small taste of human mortality to really put things back into proper perspective. Now, while I may not be a spring chicken anymore, I’m certainly not “old” either. At least by my own calculations anyway. But when you attend the visitation of someone who is about the same age as you it’s next to impossible to walk away unchanged from the experience.

Last night we drove an hour south to go to the visitation of a woman I’ve never met before in my life. Her husband drives in the same demolition derby circuit that Sean does. So really, we were driving down there to see a man I’ve only met once, maybe twice. When my son asked why we were going I told him, “It’s a social convention that we do when someone dies. You go and you visit the people that they left behind in order to let them know that you care and that you feel sad for them. And from my own point of view, it really does make you feel better knowing that the person who has died and left you behind meant something to these other people that show up.” A few minutes later, as politely as he could muster, he said, “Mommy, no offense…. to anyone involved… but…. those things….. ummmm…. they’re really boring.” I chuckled, “Yeah Buddy, I know. They’re boring for us too. But we still do them.”

A few hours later we were all piled together in the car. The atmosphere was almost jovial as this was the most family time we’d had all week!

When we got to the funeral home and found the line, we were still a little on the punchy side, the kids more than Sean and I. Bored, Anna asked to go look at the flowers so I took her over to them. As we looked at each bouquet we came to a small table with a basket of seashells. Next to it was a small sign that explained how Mandy had loved the seashore and asked that we please take a shell in remembrance of her so that her legacy could live on.

Mandy was a wife of one, and a mother of two. She had dark brown hair and a smile that just went on for days. Five years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, fought it and went into remission. Then in March of this year she went in for her check-up and came out with another diagnosis of cancer, terminal stage 4. She went on hospice in October and was determined to pass away in the quiet of her home. She said that she didn’t want a lot of people around, and to my knowledge, there weren’t.

As we made our way to the front of the line to shake hands with her husband, he told us about her passing, and how he held her as she crossed over from his hands into the hands of Jesus. With a catch in his throat he said, “I know that she’s with Jesus, but right now that doesn’t seem to be helping…”

After offering our continued support in anything he might possibly need we silently stepped away and made our way back out to the parking lot. I held on to my husband’s arm a little tighter on the way to the car. Solid and assuring, yup, he’s still here.

I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to bury a spouse (on your birthday no less).

As I’ve gone about my day today I can’t help but think back on the events of yesterday and marvel at what took place. We went because “it’s what you do” and to “make him feel better”, but we brought home so much more than what we took. We didn’t leave that room empty handed. We have shells, fragments of a friend’s pain. The Bible says that we’re to bear each other’s burdens and that’s exactly what we did. We went and brought home a part of this burden he’s been given to bear, a cross of his own, if you will. But he doesn’t carry it alone, none of us do. Even when it feels like it.

But the funny part of the whole thing is that although it is a burden that brings him tremendous pain, by sharing in it, it brought Sean and I gratitude. Last night we held each other tighter, kissed each other just a little longer, still here, still very much a part of each other.

All too often we take that for granted don’t we? We take each other for granted. We get so used to someone always being there that when we’re suddenly faced with the reality that they might not always be there we reach out in panic; fearful that maybe they’re not anymore. And then with grateful relief we sigh when we find their steady heartbeat is still there next to ours.

In His last words on earth Jesus reminded us that He would always be with us, to the end of the age. I’m just now realizing that that’s where I’ve been these last few weeks, “off”, taking for granted the steadfast love and forgiveness of my Savoir who is always with me and who has promised to never leave or forsake me. And that’s what Sunday was all about, me reaching out to Him to touch His sturdy solidness to make sure that, “yup, He’s still there”. Not that I doubted it for a minute, I just needed to touch base, so to speak. And in the awesome way that only He can, He touched me in return; powerfully. I am so grateful for His presence in my life!

In today’s Word of the Day, we read about Jesus receiving the message that Lazarus is ill and His reply, “This illness does not lead to death.” Just like Lazarus, Mandy’s illness didn’t lead to death; it led to eternal LIFE where she has joined the great cloud of witnesses in the arena as they watch those of us that have yet to finish the race.

Last night I thanked Mandy for the gift she gave Sean and I, the blessing of sharing a burden. I pray that we will bear it well.

John 6:22-8:30

“Neither do I condemn you; go, and sin no more.” John 8:11

My daughter Anna is amazingly attached to her stuffed animals; particularly her stuffed cats. In fact, she has one that she got on a trip to the Children’s Museum when she was one that has been a constant companion ever since. It used to meow even, but that ability has long been worn out over the five years she has possessed this cat. To see “Sam” now you can read every single hug and snuggle she’s ever received from between the little lines of her well worn fur. This cat has been LOVED.

Sunday morning Anna asked me if she could bring Sam to church with her. Since she has an hour to hang out while I’m warming up with the praise band, I usually let her take a toy to church to entertain her during that time.

After we had warmed up I went out into the hallway to get Anna from the nursery where she plays until church starts. In the hallway a few of the church ladies commented on Anna’s beloved Sam and how well loved she is. I joked, “Yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me if she took Sam to college with her.” A few minutes later, Anna and I were sitting in the sanctuary and with seconds left before I stepped up onto the stage Anna leaned over and asked, “Am I going to college today mommy?”

During worship I was really pressing in. Like I said yesterday, I’ve been “off” lately and it was making me very hungry for more of God. And what better time to press in and really push to touch God than during praise and worship? Well, God doesn’t disappoint those who earnestly seek Him. Towards the end of worship He gave me a new picture of an old Truth.

Some of you have been around long enough to remember the lesson God taught me in The Pink Polka Dot Kitty, but many of you are new. This one’s for you. J

God showed me a picture of Anna snuggling Sam close to her cheek, her eyes closed in love for her Sam, and then a hand came and snatched Sam away from her. And God said to me, “How could you ever think I would take My forgiveness away from you? You wouldn’t dream of taking Sam away from Anna just like I wouldn’t dream of taking My forgiveness away from you. Especially when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have!”

“Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

John 4:1-6:21

“the gift of God” John 4:10

For the last several weeks I’ve been feeling… “off”. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was off, just that something was. And honestly I didn’t have a whole lot of time to think about it either. I’ve been busier than a one armed paper hanger (whatever that is). So, on this past Sabbath I could feel God calling me to truly rest.

Every so often He calls me to the couch.

It’s old and dilapidated and comfy as all get out! It’s stained and dirty and really, kind of ugly and very outdated, but I love it all the same. This couch has been with us since my husband and I moved into our first apartment. It was a few months before the wedding and Sean had just gotten a job in Lafayette so that he could be closer to me before the wedding. I remember that glorious feeling of signing the papers at the office and getting the keys, then running back up to the barren apartment and walking through it hand in hand. Standing in the very place where our life together would start. We had nothing, and that was Ok, because we had each other. That couch was the first piece of furniture we bought together for our first home. And we bought it for $30 from a friend of his sister’s who’d got it from her parents. Yeah, this couch is OLD.

And yet it is so loved.

So many movies have been watched from this couch.

Several date nights have ended on this couch. Sick children have been snuggled on this couch,

tickled on this couch,

and unfortunately even hurt on this couch. This couch has been a part of our family since before day one.

And it was to this very couch where God called me to rest in His arms and allow Him to work in me.

Sunday at church while I was singing God had me look up. (I worship with my eyes closed focused only on Him.) When I opened my eyes, directly in front of me was our churches first baby born in the church. He’s about a week and a half old at the moment, dark hair and the most precious tiny hands and feet you have ever seen. And there he was, right in front of me being held by his gorgeous mother who was standing directly under a light. She held him in her arms and just stared down at him while she sang with us.

And God said, “This is how I hold you. That is how I look at you. With those eyes of such tremendous love you could never understand the way I love you. I sing to you songs of love and protection, songs of healing and grace. I hold your tiny hands in Mine while you sleep in My everlasting arms. You are loved my Dear One; loved so tremendously. You have no idea.”

Is God calling you to the couch today? Is He calling you to rest in His arms? To allow Him to touch you and your pain and allow Him to heal it more completely than you ever thought possible? Are you going to allow Him to do that for you? Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do in life is to just be still. Be still and know that HE is God.

I lay on that couch and prayed until I ran out of words (and that’s saying something). Then I lay there and just listened to the silence in the room around me, waiting, listening for His still small voice. It was there, He was there, in my pain, in my hurt, in my healing. Healing is a process. It doesn’t always come all at once, it peels back in layers. Like a scab it sheds away revealing a fresh new pink layer underneath, tender and fragile.

John 1:1-3:36

This is the devotional God had me write for my previous church. I thought you might want to read it since I talked about it yesterday. And it just “happens” to fit with the Word of the Day today.

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him was not any thing made that was made. In Him was life and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:1-5

Christmas is the season of Lights. We drive from neighborhood to neighborhood just to look at the lights twinkling in the darkness. Technology has even come so far as to allow us to set up entire light shows set to music with our Christmas decorations. Yet even all the splendor and beauty of this season can’t even come close to comparing to THE Light.

Jesus is the Light that shines in the darkness of our darkest moments. He brings hope to the most hopeless of times in our lives. And it is in Him and through Him that we too shine brightly in those dark moments. It is for His glory and the salvation of those around us observing our circumstances and the way that we handle them. Will we be able to weather this storm with the God who claims to be our shield and refuge, an ever present help in times of trouble?

You can weather any storm when the God of Peace is in your boat; even if he seems to just be sleeping. You have to wonder, if perhaps, He was laying there pretending to be asleep, waiting to see how long it would take them to remember He was there and could help.

God is not asleep. He has not turned His back on you. He has not left you in this dark place without a light. He has not led you into this storm to weather it alone.

He is with you!

He is Immanuel, God with us.