Right now I just want to explode! Which is a big deal because I am a temperate person, I don’t get like this usually. But all the little things are bothering me. The Christmas boxes cluttering the living room, the toys scattered throughout the house on the floor so I can’t even walk five feet without having to step over something. The dishes piled high in the sink and overflowing onto the counter and even onto the kitchen table! The laundry baskets brimming with dirty clothes (didn’t I just finish the laundry??? Oh, wait, that was last week, siiiigh…..) The two-dozen eggs I somehow left at the store that they didn’t find, the receipt from the store proving I bought two-dozen eggs that I can’t find (probably in the bag with the eggs)! The check for a copy of Dandelion Season that seems to have evaporated into thin air! Notes from the teacher on how Gabe should’ve had his sevens memorized by now “what’s wrong?” in other words, “Mom, I don’t think you’re doing your job…” (Ok, maybe that’s not what she meant, but it’s certainly how I’m taking it today!) Arg!
“Yes Lord, I do need a break, You are very right. I fought you on taking this “Spiritual Stay-cation” but I need to learn how to let these things go. I need to learn how to let Your grace be sufficient for me. But Lord, what if I don’t want that? What if I want to be self-sufficient? What if I want to do this all myself, You know, be independent. What happens then? Because this whole leaning-on-You thing and feeling like I keep running into brick walls, I don’t like it. I’m frustrated and tired and confused – I may have even gotten a concussion on that last wall I ran into. It didn’t move.”
“Well Little One, you are not alone in this desire for independence that’s for sure! Just look at Adam and Eve for example. They wanted to do things they’re way too. When they ate that fruit they did so much more than disobey a rule – My one and only rule. They decided to take matters into their own hands. They chose to stop leaning on Me and trusting Me to take care of them and instead take care of themselves. The only problem with that is that they can’t That has been the whole point of most of history, proving to you that you need Me.”
“But Lord, I know that already. I know I need You…”
“Ah, but you’re not living like you do. When you know you need me then you’re constantly reaching out for Me, searching for Me, you’re not doing that at all. You’re walking like you know what I want you to do but you’ve never really spent any time asking Me what My will is. You haven’t spent any time searching My Word for answers to your burning questions, you just assume an answer to them or let them continue burning in your mind, frustrating you. Use some Living Water to put out those un-needed fires girl! Yes I want you to be on fire, but for the right reasons! I want you to be on fire for Me. For My love, for My goodness. If you’re doing things on your own and expecting things to happen in your way and your timing then you’re not trusting in Me but in yourself. You’re just asking Me to place My stamp of approval and blessing on something YOU did. Why would I do that when I want everything to call attention to what I did, for you and everyone else.”
“Lord, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. Father, please forgive me. Please help me to trust You and Your strength and not in my own. Please help me to actually seek You first in everything I do and not just pretend to.”
“My love, I know that there are times in your life, like right now, where it doesn’t seem to you like I’m doing anything. But in reality I am. When you are in the grocery store with your children and you stop the cart to read a label or compare prices; to your children it seems like you’re just standing there, but you’re not are you? You’re reading, you’re studying to see if the product is worth the cost. You’re comparing one product with another to see which one will be the best product for your family. The healthiest product for the lowest cost. Well, that’s what I’m doing too. At no point in your life am I sleeping or unaware of your situation. At no point in our journey through time together have I stopped nor am I doing nothing. In fact nothing could be farther from the truth. When you’re shopping at what point are you truly more active? When your feet are moving you toward the next thing on the list or when you are making that next best choice for your family? And compare that to what your children are doing while they are waiting for you to move. They’re wandering farther and farther away from the cart. They’re touching things on the shelves, they’re getting in other people’s way, they’re grabbing things and putting them into the cart without asking first. In other words they get bored and into trouble. When you’re waiting for Me to move are you like that? Do you wander aimlessly, touching things you shouldn’t? When it’s time to move on to the next thing on your list what do you do? Do you call out to your children, gathering them together so that you can move on together as a family? Of course you do! Please realize that at no point will I ever truly leave you behind. Just like you may threaten to leave your child in the store because they’re not following you closely enough, I too do the same thing. There are moments/seasons in your life where it seems like you’re not going anywhere or doing anything and then you hear my call and you’re having to run to keep up with Me. Just like you would never dream of ACTUALLY leaving your child in the store, you ARE however serious about moving on and so am I. When I say it’s time to move on, it’s time to move on, so you’d better be movin’ it girl!”
Tamar Knochel 