Nehemiah 9:1-11:36

Tremble, and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust in the LORD. Many are saying, “Who will show us any good? Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O LORD! You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. Psalm 4:4-8

When you allow God into your life and ask him to forgive all your sins, He purifies you from the inside out. “Forgive” is a word that holds extreme power. And until you learn how to use it and receive it you won’t know how powerful it really is. I can tell you from personal experience that “I forgive you” are 3 words that need to become part of your everyday vocabulary and roll off your tongue. You need to THINK them and PRAY them before forgiveness is even asked for. Sometimes your offender won’t ask for forgiveness, but between you and the LORD you need to forgive them. Immediately, with no delay, because when someone offends you, it’s like they’re throwing you a flaming ball. The longer you hold it, the more it burns YOU. By withholding forgiveness from someone you are NOT hurting them only yourself. Forgive them before you get burned.

Anger is an emotion; it’s human to feel anger. Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us: Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Paul is telling us that we can be angry and not sin. It is possible, because anger in itself is not a sin. If you look at the way that it’s written, “Be angry”, it’s already assuming that you ARE angry. The anger is not the sin; it’s what you DO with that anger that can get you into trouble. He then tells us that we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger and not to give the devil an opportunity. What does this scripture and the opening scripture say we should DO with our anger?

Step 1) Be still and think (Ps 4:4). BREATHE!!! We have to still our hearts and emotions and listen to God in every situation, but ESPECIALLY amid angry and tense situations. We have to ask God what our next move should be and not let anyone else lead our actions. If God’s not leading us, then who is? During this period, it’s time to keep your big mouth shut! SAY NOTHING!

Step 2) Deal with it by the end of the day (Eph 4:26). We must make sure that we deal with our anger quickly! The longer we hold onto it the more it tears US apart. Not the person we’re angry with, just us. (Have I said that enough yet? Is it sinking in yet?) And if you DO hold onto that anger it is literally opening a door for the devil to walk right in and take control of the situation. However, look at Psalm 4:8 and see what happens when you give your anger to God.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. (Notice, this is only 4 short verses after Psalm 4:4 where they were trembling in anger!) How many sleepless nights have you had because you were fighting with someone in your head? When you give that anger to God, BEFORE you go to bed you can lie down AND SLEEP in PEACE. God will grant you rest from the turmoil within. But you have to give it to Him. He won’t take it unless it’s given to Him first. He adores you and doesn’t want to see you in pain from anger. You’ve got to let it go; otherwise He can’t help you with it.

One last example of how God recommends we forgive. So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the LORD forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (Colossians 3:12-14) Bear with each other, I tell ya, THAT phrase is soooo fitting for me, I find myself saying it over and over. Am I alone? Oh how often do we just have to bear with each other in our marriages? (I love you Christian!) On those days when he’s tired and grumpy and I just want to smack him and say “snap out of it!”, instead I tell myself, “Bear with him Tamar, you may be grumpy tomorrow!”

When Jesus tells us to “Forgive as the Lord forgave you”, it just makes me ask, how does the Lord forgive us? First of all, as mentioned yesterday, He forgives us in the way that we forgive others. But here’s another example, out of Jeremiah: I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned against Me and by which they have transgressed against Me. (33:8) God doesn’t pick and choose which sins He will forgive or who’s sins He will forgive, He forgives everyone of ALL their sins. If it had nothing to do with us forgiving others first, He would always be forgiving us immediately.

Let’s take a look at the story of David and Bathsheba in 2^nd Samuel for another example. Bathsheba was bathing one night when David, the King, saw her, wanted her, and summoned her to his bedroom. She was married, but he was the King, so she couldn’t really tell him no – or perhaps maybe she didn’t want to tell him no. They slept together, she got pregnant, she told David, and he sent her husband to his death on the front lines of battle. So, they’re story really isn’t that great so far, they’ve committed lust, lying, adultery and murder (that’s the Bible for ya). Nathan, a prophet, comes to David and confronts him about his transgressions. Then David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the LORD.’ And Nathan said to David, ‘The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die. (2 Samuel 12:13) In this situation how did God forgive David and Bathsheba? Did Nathan tell David to “give me some time; He needs to think about this.”? No! He IMMEDIATELY said “The LORD has taken away your sin.” David and Bathsheba were forgiven immediately. “Forgive as the LORD forgave you.” He’s willing to grant undeserved forgiveness immediately, and we should be willing to do the same.

Christian’s comments:

As I’ve stated a couple of times already, I drive in demolition derbies. If there is any place to get angry at someone, that’s it. The most important safety rule in demolition derby is, “Do not hit another car in the driver’s door.” Doing this is usually grounds for immediate disqualification.

The problem with the rule is, the officials watching the derby don’t always see the hit. Believe me, after driving in a derby, you come to realize that unseen driver’s door hits happen more often than you think. When it happens, there are two courses of action. You can forgive the other driver and go on. Or try to take out the other driver. Lose your cool, in other words, and go crazy. In most of those cases, you destroy your own car, as well as any chances of finishing in the money.

In one derby I drove in, another driver gave me a track shot directly square in the driver’s door.(A track shot is driving from one end of the arena to the other as fast as you can and hitting someone as hard as you can.) He hit me so hard, my helmet hit the roof of my car, and he bent the bar in my driver’s door so far in that it hit my seat. In that particular derby, the driver taking the driver’s door hit chooses whether or not to disqualify the driver giving the hit. The official was looking directly at me after the hit and I quickly decided to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt instead of going after him and possibly destroying both of our chances of making the feature. I just waved it off and kept driving.

After the heat, the other driver came up to me in the pits and apologized and asked if I was alright. I could tell by the way that he was talking to me that he was genuinely concerned about my welfare. He explained that he was aiming for another car, but was hit and redirected into my door. I told him that I was OK and we started talking. We have since become friends and help each other at derbies that we go to.

So instead of losing my temper and flipping out on the guy, I quickly forgave him, and gained a friend.

Nehemiah 5:1-8:18

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger; and it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11

A man’s wisdom gives him patience. This verse isn’t talking about “book smarts”, well at least not in the sense that most of us would think of it in anyway. Wisdom is gained by learning more about God’s word. The more wisdom you have, the more patience you have, giving you the ability to overlook offenses more easily, which brings you glory, that you in turn give to God. Honestly, I’m finding with increased frequency that the more time I spend with God, the less likely I am to be concerned about trivial things like, well, how the toilet paper hangs for instance.

In Matthew 6:9-15 Jesus teaches us how to pray in the Lord’s Prayer. In Verse 12 it says “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Jesus is letting us know that we are forgiven in the way that we forgive. Honestly, that’s a really hard truth for me to share with you. It was difficult for me to swallow at first, but you know what I’ve learned? Forgiveness is extremely powerful.

“Forgive”, according to http://www.Dictionary.com, means: 1) to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 2) to grant pardon to (a person). 3) to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan. 4) to pardon an offense or an offender. You see, forgiveness is a choice, an action, not an emotion. Forgiveness means you decide to “let it go”. Will the offense still hurt? Possibly, however, it will hold no power over you anymore. Forgiveness is like a ball of fire. When someone does something to you, you have a choice. You can forgive them, or you can hold onto that flaming ball of anger. Many times when someone hurts you, they don’t even realize that they’ve even done or said anything wrong. Either way, whether they are aware of the offense or not, from that moment on the ball of fire grows. The ball is in your court, so to speak, it has been passed to you and now you stand holding it. It’s time to decide what to do with it. Say “I forgive you” to your offender and give the ball to God, or keep holding the flaming ball of fire. If you choose to keep holding back that forgiveness, who is it going to burn? The person you’re upset with, or you? Who’s holding on to it again?

Two weeks after our wedding I was cleaning in our bedroom closet and found a box filled with blank cards; cards that Christian had bought for me and had never given me. In among all these cards was a letter from a woman I had never met. As I opened it my heart started to flutter and I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. In this letter she told him how glad she was that he was her “first time”. I got to this point and absolutely dissolved into a huddled mass of tears on the floor of our bedroom as my knees gave out and I fell like a ton of bricks. We had been each other’s first lovers, or so I had thought. Now I wasn’t so sure, this woman was saying that she had intercourse with MY man, the one that I had been with for 6 ½ years at that point. I called him at work and asked him to come home for lunch; I needed to talk to him. When I asked him about the letter he claimed that “she was just weird” and it had been her first kiss that she was talking about. Now, I’m a very innocent and trusting person, but I’m not stupid. I knew that he was lying to me to make me feel better, but I wanted the pain to go away, so I allowed myself to “believe” him. However I did NOT forgive him and I managed to push the situation to that back closet of my mind. Every few years since then she would come up again in my mind, usually at VERY inopportune moments, like during sex. I would wonder if he thought she was a better lover than me, or if he thought she was prettier than me. Every time I would remind myself: “He picked you in the end Tamar”. But it didn’t really help that much. Eventually after weeks of mental torment I would approach him about her again, seeking the truth that I knew in my heart, but never receiving from him. He stuck to his story like glue, it was just a kiss. Honestly, I can’t tell you which hurt more, the fact that he slept with her or the fact that he lied about it for 13 years. And for the 9 years that I knew about it, asked about it, and was straight-faced lied to about it, I withheld that forgiveness. You know who it burned? Me.

Christian’s comments:

Yup, I’m a dirtbag. No, it’s OK, you can call me one if you want. Go ahead. Have you ever been in a situation where no matter what you do to try to make the situation better, it just keeps getting worse? You know, you do what you think you should do to spare someone else’s feelings. My grandpa has a saying: “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.”

I started digging a hole the first day and didn’t stop for thirteen years. By the time I confessed, that hole was extremely deep. I needed a head lamp and timbers to shore up the sides of the hole.

Husbands (and this goes for you wives too), if you are hiding something from your wife, you are not helping them. You may think you are sparing their feelings by holding back and lying to them, but you are doing more harm than good, because they are going to be hurt more when they find out later than if you just come out and tell them. Stop digging, climb out of your hole and confess.

Nehemiah 1:1-4:23

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

Conflict is a necessary element in marriage. Without conflict there simply can’t be resolution. This is one of the last and most important things that this fast taught us. Although fighting has never really been a problem for Christian and me, it is extremely common in the majority of relationships. This is where Mark 3:24-25 is a very important verse to think on. If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. A household that is full of arguing and constant strife cannot stand. So while conflict is important and necessary, like everything else in a marriage there must be a balance and everything must be done in love not anger. Conflict is necessary, anger and fighting is not.

Proverbs 27:5-6 tells us that when someone that you love comes to you and LOVINGLY points out the “sawdust in your eye”. When they say it in love and compassion, those wounds that they inflict can be trusted. They will heal quickly because they have been inflicted in love and for your own good. On the other hand there are “kisses” from an enemy. If you see someone you love acting in a way that is ungodly, you need to tell them, in love. If instead of pointing out their fault lovingly, you “kiss” them and tell them nothing or worse condone the action, then you might as well be an enemy to them. Over the years Christian has wounded me many times emotionally, but the majority of them have been for my own good. He has rarely spoken harshly to me, and he has never spoken to me in a condescending way. Wounds like these can be trusted.

In every conflict, either with a loved one or someone you don’t even know, you’ve GOT to fight fair. James 1:19-20 is, in a nut-shell, our “rules” for fighting with others. If we are in disagreement with someone we must be quick to hear what they’re trying to say. Whether in attack or defense we must LISTEN first and be loving. Next James says to be slow to speak. Don’t just blurt out your first knee-jerk reaction to what they’re saying. THINK before you speak. Better yet, PRAY before you speak. “Your words, not mine LORD.” This is my 5 word prayer for almost any situation. As Christian mentioned earlier I haven’t always been very good at doing this, but I’m working on it and improving day by day. Speak God’s words, let Him fill you with His word (scripture) so that the first thing off your lips is holy. Pray before you speak. (I said this twice for a reason.) Be thoughtful, the words you speak can change your entire life. Believe me, I know. There’s a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth, we’re supposed to listen twice as much as we speak! In James 3:4 he compares the tongue to the rudder of a ship. Although very small in comparison to the ship as a whole, it steers the ship everywhere the pilot wants it to go. We must guard our speech so that it doesn’t take us somewhere we’re not supposed to go. Be slow to anger. Our anger, if left alone, can very quickly turn us into someone we don’t like or recognize. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) Be gentle in your answers, don’t re-act to your husband, just love him.

While God’s love is perfect and drives fear away, some human conflict creates fear. This should not be and is not right. There is no fear in love. “Lord, I know that someone out there right now is living in fear of someone that they love. I pray so desperately for them right now Lord. You love them so much, and I know that You want what is best for them. But because You allowed us to have free will, some people have taken advantage of that freedom and have abused it and Your loved ones. Right now I pray that Your perfect love cast out their fear. I pray that You touch their abusers heart in a way that no one has or ever will touch them. I pray that You change their heart and fill it with Your perfect love, causing them to know You better and know that true love doesn’t bring fear with it, only more love. Lord, protect my friend tonight, allow them to sleep sweet, and rest in Your peace knowing that You are holding them in the palm of Your hand, and that You are feeling every pain that they suffer. I ask all these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen!”

Christian’s comments:

You have probably had some disagreements with your wife during this fast. You might have had arguments with her before the fast. That’s OK, arguing is a part of every marriage. It is a necessary evil that can help the marriage, if done correctly. Yes, there are rules to arguing.

Keep it between yourselves! No one else should be involved. It is about you and her; meaning, keep the argument about each other. Don’t bring your mother-in-law into it.

Stay on point! Don’t move on to another subject until the first is resolved. If the argument is about how she never heeds your advice, don’t mention anything about how you don’t like how she folds your underwear. In other words, no more “And another thing…”.

In my opinion, the most important thing is: Have arguments! As Tamar stated, we have never really argued. One of us would usually say something like “OK, whatever” and go away angry. That is bad! Don’t hold your argument in. If you do, they will build up until they just explode out, usually at a very inopportune time. Or they may never come out at all. Then you get withdrawn and start to grow apart. You just stop talking to each other. Tamar and I were almost to that point.

There are more rules, but every couple and every argument is different. If you can learn how to “fight” well, you will learn how to “love” even better.