Yesterday was a BIG day for our family. It was State Fair day.
One of the first years we watched the State Fair derby our friend Roger Murdick was running and ended up with another car on top of his. They separated them and finished the heat. And I told Sean then, “you’re never running here!” Then in the feature someones car caught on fire. Not a little wimpy fire under the hood, happens all the time. No. This was a fire ball that completely engulfed the car, driver included. And in complete and total seriousness I told Sean, “you are NEVER driving here!” And until yesterday he hasn’t. He’s always wanted to, but for various reasons hasn’t. When trying to make his decision to run I said absolutely nothing. I refused to comment. A big part of my ministry is encouraging people to go for their dreams. How could I let MY trauma-based fear stop the man I love from doing what I encourage others to do. If I did that it would make me a liar, not to mention I would be miserable knowing I was the reason He didn’t go for his dream.
So on State Fair day I had to push that fear as far back as I could possibly push it. I had to put my faith and words into action and actually TRUST GOD to keep my Beloved husband safe in the palm of His hand.
During Sunday morning praise and worship I actually, in fear, visualized Sean dying and God reminded me that He HAS resurrected people from the dead before and that He can do it again. There are some commentaries that say that Abraham believed that this was God’s plan when He asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.
Now, did I REALLY believe that Sean was going to die in the derby? No. That’s what Fear wanted me to believe. Do I believe that God wanted me to face this fear all along? YES, in order to get rid of it once and for all! Do I believe that it’s please God and infuriates the Devil if Sean lives out his dream and drives out into that arena in front of hundreds of people with forgiveness written all over his car? Yes!
Do I think Satan is ticked that two people accepted the written word of God into their lives while we were there?
You betcha I do!
Every single one of those people in those stands SAW how forgiveness through Christ works.
No matter how hard they beat Him and cursed Him, He forgave them. No matter how hard we fight Him and run from Him He forgives us. Over and over and over and over again until WE give in. My friends, Christ wins every time. Give in to Him. He loves you, He forgives you and HE accepts you, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
P.S. Sean did NOT die! Although I will admit to crying a little while it was going. I am NEVER like that at derbies. Usually I’m out there shouting for him to hit them harder. Last year he had his fuel pump break in the seat behind him spilling gasoline all over the back of his car. They called the fire truck over and were spraying it out and the announcer was saying that his car was on fire. Even in that moment I was concerned but I wasn’t afraid. The State Fair derby was altogether different. I was terrified with an unnatural fear that was unnecessary. But as I stood there with fear-filled tears crawling down my face, I remembered something God taught me about emotions – feel them! Feel them and don’t hide them. Don’t push them back and deny their existence and role in your life. So that’s what I did. I stood there and basked in that twitching anxious feeling of fear and terror that was forcing my hands to shake and my legs to wobble. I stood there and focused on the feeling, the sensation of this fear that had held me prisoner for years and I found myself… enjoying it! It was strange and yet exhilarating! And just like that, it was gone! It’s power over me had ceased, and just as quickly as that I was back to yelling at him to go for it! I was back to myself in 15 seconds flat.
Yes, it was a very BIG day!
I thought I’d share from yesterday my words and the Lord’s combined. Yesterday Was a big day for us both. Texting and crying. God is so good…all the time.
When I’m drained and on empty Dehydrated and perturbed, I retreat Into myself. It seems a pretty constant state each August when the pressures of institutions precede my happiness for fear of disappoint. I grasp at it all with slippery hands that do not hold. I laugh and find joy in the mundane to keep my sanity because caging the wild bird, held captive just short of two decades clips the wings to deter the flight. Thought of spreading my wings and soaring tantalize my soul every now and again like wild fire and I run with wreck less abandon into myself silly drunk with laughter of the very confines that were solely dealt by yours truly.Carrying the weight of the world, The burdens of my neighbor, my students, and sometimes complete strangers; I stew and ruminate in martyrous thoughts. Hot water is my haven…so scalding on the brink but I cower at the thought of the burn…a soothing place that lets my weary bones fall into themselves revealing the fragility of living by my own stead. Driving with wreckless abandon only to get to a place of angst. Why take the helm when the passenger’s view is more engaging? Impulsivity fueled with emotional fortitude, saddened by a continual feeling of being not good enough. I run away every day. I run away from it all…too jaded from this world unable to keep my head above water long enough to catch a breath. No words can convince, no numbers can justify the worth. The lies of the enemy are great. He is here to kill, steal and destroy and he lurks in the very places you would never expect. When I give it my all- there is nothing left to give. I fall out of myself a stranger in the mirror. Scared to look for fear that age and life have hardened when I blinked. The grooves run deeper and I sigh. The answers are written on the walls in permanent ink. Why do you turn your weary head and refuse the cup that is given to you? Drink from my cup and you will be filled. Fear not my child. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You know not what those streams of tears hold as they pour out of you. Aren’t I the one who formed you? You carry too much. Give it to me. I will lighten your load. Trust in the Lord my faithful servant. You are worthy. Do not be afraid. Do not let the enemy come in…as for me and my house you will serve the Lord. I dictate the terms. Trust in me. I am with you. Fear not. You are not a cowering child left for no one to claim…the enemy fled from you, I guide your path. Don’t be sidetracked by the fanfare of this world, fore it loses its luster quickly but my love endures forever. Rise up in faith and know that I am God. .through my stripes you are healed. Now go and claim it from the mountaintops. You are my good and faithful servant. You gave me full surrender and my plans for you are great. Forgive me oh Lord for living in complacency. Forgive me oh Lord. Please take the reigns. You know I don’t drive well…lost in the wilderness, the sheep askew. You are my good shepherd. Why do you not believe? I’m sorry oh Lord. I want full surrender but fear of the unknown holds me here like a dog chasing its tail. Breathe your breath of life into me oh Holy Spirit for I give you the gratitude for all things. Take away my feelings of inadequacy, please give me joy. Help me to appreciate the blessings that abound. My cup overflows the yet I push it back and refuse to drink. Drink from my cup, it will quench your thirst, remove your headaches, dehydration, and will give you the quench you desire for more. You are so thirsty but stand back and watch others drink. I have prepared the cup for you too my child. My good and faithful servant, I cup Janah in my hands. You have been obedient to me to answer my call. Your works through me do not go unnoticed. Keep answering my call and you will be filled. I am your maker and I do not make mistakes. I call you beautiful in the book of life but you blush and turn away. Do not cower but live up to your biblical name. Mark is your soulmate I have provided for you. I’m sorry Lord. No apologies. Accept that he loves you for you. Accept that you cannot push him away. Bring him into you and become one. The strife only distances me from you. The works of the enemy are clever but you are more intelligent than the worm. He has nothing over me and my kingdom…claim the powerful victory. You are worthy. He cannot take that from you anymore. I rebuke it in my name. Greater am I in you than that measly snake. He keeps toiling with you. Do an about face and scoff in his lowly direction proclaiming my name in prophecy. I give you prophetic word and wisdom to decipher as you made your body a living and willing vessel. Hunger and thirst for my righteousness again like the fire that burned the night you received the Holy Spirit with utterance. Let the power reign from your lips and it will transform you for my kingdom. Don’t look to the left or the right but stay focused on me and my plans for you to glorify my kingdom we are in dire straits and it will only get much, much worse before better. The sites will be blazing/blinding. You will have to turn your face for the heat will rise and the ashes will trail in the air and the darkness will be lit up with the evils in the night. Put on my full armor and prepare your family for the mighty wrath. Spirit,mind, and body fully anointed and the flames will not wear you but will go over you like a sheath…a literal hedge of protection. Many will turn from me and many will curse my very name. Hold tight…the end is near. I safeguard my flock. Go out and warn the others. Go out and stand strong. I will hold you. Be bold in my truth and take none credit for your own as temptations will be great. Prepare for battle like a soldier and let not the things of this world stand in your way. I will guide your path. You will tarry for not one thing. Fast and pray and center your thoughts upon me as the times draw near. You will know when the time is near. Fear not. Your mother is safeguarded. You are a good child to her. You carry her good traits and loyalty that make you strong. While you may not believe it, you are even stronger than her. Claim the gifts I have given to you in victory. The battle is here and I have placed those in need in your midst as you are obedient to me to carry out my commandments. You are my good and faithful servant whom I am pleased. Continue to do my good works but not in haste but in adoration to the maker…me. The enemy has ahold of your fathers mind. He is a good man hardened by the enemies toils…sisters wrongfully anxed and stuck in trama mode where no true healing has mended the wounds. The wounds only get seared open again and again. He loves all his children. The barrier is there for the both of you. Your self worth was marred at a very young age…the enemy putting in your mind that you were the runt of the litter. Curses, a generational curse hexed through the lineage of sin. The enemy goes in with his pawns when the floodgates open and the sin was prevalent to the point of demonic possession and it carried through, but I delivered you out of the miry clay. I set your feet back on solid ground again. I am your maker. You are the clay. I continue to reshape and remold you as a continual process to make you in my image. You are tough and cracked and broken so you take more work but I continue to make you better with age until my light shines through you without hesitation. The enemy didn’t like this. He knows you are the key to the family’s escape from the generational demise. So he gets his mighty grips into you every now and again. Know that he will flee from you as you are now on solid ground. Follow me at all times and I will guide your path into righteousness. Do not look away…not even for a second as the enemy is clever and will play to your vulnerabilities. You are welcome my child. Get to know me through my word. I am always here. You need my extra reassurance as you have been through much. But, your sins are forgiven and I have thrown them into the sea of forgetfulness as far as to the east is to the west. But, I keep on giving as it is given to me…a continual, secret blessing cycle. Balance- I marvel at the in-conceived notion of the freedom to fully live. A constant state of self-suffering as the battlefield of the mind is so great. The barometer fluctuates like a gymnast struggles to maintain the beam. I give the glory to my maker and I exhale. Glimpses of this life pause and my babies stay young. Fear of them slipping from me darkens and saddens and stirs in me an ambition to be in the present. The day is now. Live for today and make each day the very best as if it were the last…praise be to God! Sent from my iPhone
On Aug 24, 2015, at 11:21 PM, Tamar Knochel <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
tamarknochel posted: “Yesterday was a BIG day for our family. It was State Fair day. One of the first years we watched the State Fair derby our friend Roger Murdick was running and ended up with another car on top of his. They separated”