I’m confused. I know that I say that a lot, but I am. I’m going to guess that that is the Enemy’s favorite ploy to get me off track is to confuse me, but then he just must be very good at it. Father, I love you SO desperately, and I want to please you and do Your will, and sometimes I think I know what that is, but then the Enemy swoops in and sows those seeds of doubt in my head that just throw me for a loop! Ya know Lord, I really don’t like him! Father, I need your help. I need your insight, your wisdom and your grace. I desperately need for you to come and ruthlessly rip those weeds of doubt out of my head! And I know you can do it! Lord, I feel like your plan for me is to be a mother and a writer… but finding the right balance for all of that is proving extremely difficult. I certainly WANT to do both, very well. You know me, if I can’t succeed, then why do it at all?
Lord, yesterday I felt like we worked so well together, like we were both functioning on all cylinders and chugging right along down the path of success. And then, around 3 o’ clock when Gabe got home the doubt and guilt started creeping in. Father, I didn’t help him with his homework at all, well, OK, there was that one time… and I did “hold him against his will” for a while too. Yes, Lord, you did tell me to “snuggle them”. LOL. Father why do I so often think that you are speaking symbolically? Siiiigh, maybe one of these days I’ll learn right? LOL. OK, so I DID show Gabe that I love him yesterday, and it probably WAS louder than I thought. Alright. But then Sean got home and he had to wait for dinner, what about that? When he got home I was STILL on the computer writing emails. Yes they were important. Yes he did ask me to NOT have dinner ready for him immediately upon arrival so that he could run. No he did not run last night. No, if he had been running I would not have felt nearly as guilty as I did. Yes Lord, you’re of course right, the key word in all this is guilt. The Enemy sowed seeds of doubt by sowing seeds of Mommy guilt. I really don’t like Mommy guilt Lord. He uses it all too often on me. And it all too often works because I let those sink in!
Yes Lord, I remember, Eve’s first job was to be Adam’s helper, it’s what she was created for. But… Yes Lord, her SECOND job was to be the mother of all mankind. Yes Lord, I trust You completely. “Then why won’t you listen to ME?” OH FATHER! I’M SO SORRY! I think I’m listening to you, but sometimes I get so excited about what I’m doing that I forget to listen carefully. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the moment that I forget to put up my shield of faith. Oh, Lord, it drives me CRAZY that the Enemy gets me so often! Have I mentioned that I really don’t like him!!!!!
Father, thank you for the story about the Mom that moved to another country with her family. You know, the one where they uprooted their family, sold their house and moved… somewhere far away that I can’t remember the name of, all to be missionaries for you. Where once they got there they discovered a child-filled burlesque house and enraged they fought it for two years, all the while the owner of the house was threatening to kill her husband and take her own teenaged daughters. She too, like me, was seemingly forced to decide between her family and her mission work, only to find that there was no deciding between them, only looking at the situation differently… from YOUR perspective instead. Lord, she was able to send her daughters back home to family members because they were teenagers. Daddy, I’m not in that situation, my children are four and nine. What can I do? LOL! OK, I’ll look at the situation differently, from YOUR perspective instead. J Have I mentioned lately how much I love you???
OK, my situation from your perspective… let’s see. I have first been called to be a helper to my husband, then a mommy. OK. Hmmmmmm….. yes Lord, I HAVE found your children enslaved in a burlesque house!!! Wow! When you put it that way it IS very interesting. Yes Lord, you ARE my husband. Yes Lord, you have told me to “Feed the children”. Yes Lord, you have also told me to “write daily” to give your people “fresh manna”, the proverbial “slice of daily bread”. I remember that’s how the blog started. No, Lord, I did not blog yesterday… or the day before… or the day before that one either. I think I may be starting to catch your drift. Yes, Lord, I do enjoy praying with my pen… well it used to be a pen, now it’s straight onto the computer to save me time. LOL! Yes, you DID tell me to start doing that a long time in one of the writer’s tips I read. Forgive me for not listening immediately back then. Lord, thank you for leading me. I ask that you forgive me for not always following your directions immediately… I am so GLAD that you understand me completely! Thank you Father!!!!! I love you so much!!! Thank you for helping me straighten all that out. The guilt I feel, is just that guilt. I ask that you will help me recognize it a little sooner in the future so that I can tell that LIAR where to go when it happens. I thank you that you helped me figure out enough of this last night before I went to bed to know that at least some of this, and now I know that it, was all him! That the Mommy guilt that I felt yesterday walked in through the door when Gabe got home and is walking OUT my door right now!
Father God I praise you and your holiness! I shout Hallelujah to your grace and your lessons! I cry thank you for your gift of the Holy Spirit to lead us in the way that we should go, and I repent from not following Him more closely and carefully. Lord, I also repent of doubting the times when I HAVE been following closely! That’s just as bad as not following at all! Doubt is like cancer to the soul. Father I thank you for your forgiveness and your grace and your love!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!! Thank you so much from releasing my from my Mommy guilt, it’s a poison that destroys YOUR plans. Lord I love you!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! What would I ever do without you??? LOL. Nothing, yes, that’s what I was thinking too. J
Lord, please help me to walk in your ways today. Come, Holy Spirit, fill me with your fire, so that I may be more like you. Help me, I trust you. Father I give myself wholly to you, today and every day. I pray that you will see me standing in your classroom with my arm raised high in request that you pick me! That you send me to do your will and to be your hands and feet; to shine your brilliant light in this very dark place. Lord thank You! In the precious name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, AMEN!