First of all, sorry this is coming to you so late today. Sometimes life just has to come first.
Yesterday I mentioned finding myself curled up on the church floor sobbing because just that morning I had written a letter from God and then that afternoon was faced with the prospect of no longer writing and it sent me into a severe emotional “event”. Looking back at that powerful letter I realized that it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t share it with you. So, without further ado, the letter:
Lord,
I am struggling to keep my head above water with all these things that I’ve committed myself to. I beg You to put Your desires for me in my heart. I want to want what You want. I want to love what You love. I want to want to walk in the GOOD paths. For my own sake and Yours. Lord, I still believe that You planted this love of writing and teaching into my heart. Yet, because of me following this dream, much hardship has befallen us.
“OH REALLY? HAS IT? OR, have you just felt like it did? Your house feels warmer this year and it has cost you less to heat it than any other year before. In one of the coldest winters on record! Your fridge and cabinet have always been full, as have your stomachs. I have been with you EVEY step of the way; through thick and through thin. You have never wanted for the things you NEED. And honestly, the things you wanted weren’t things you should want anyway. I have kept you so well guarded your entire life, you have no idea what want REALLY is. No, you may not have everything you want, but you CERTAINLY have everything you need and much much more. Furthermore, this “writing thing” as you call it, it’s saving your family, all of them. Bit by bit you will start to see the difference in them. They’re paying more attention than you know. But you need only one thing, Me. – and to pay CLOSE attention to ME. I will guide you; I will continue to guard you. I will provide for you more abundantly than you could ever dream and more. You have no idea how much I love and care for you. You have no clue how much I’ve done for you over the years and yet you doubt and fear, you cringe in anticipation of a pain that never comes.
You fear what you do not know, and without realizing it cause yourself undue grief. You need fear nothing for I hold everything – and you know it. You are worried about many things, but only one thing is needed, sit at My feet, listen to My words, lean on Me and My understanding, on My wisdom, on My knowledge and My goodness. I am the Good Shepherd, YOUR shepherd. I lead you beside still waters and green pastures – lie in them and be still; knowing that I AM GOD, YOUR God who loves you with an everlasting love deeper than you could ever fathom.
I am the keeper of the stars; I call them out, night after night, by NAME. I flung them into the sky – FOR YOU. Aren’t they beautiful? Yet their beauty cannot even come close to your beauty. They burn bright in the night sky, but you … you burn bright in an all together different kind of darkness. Your smile sparkles in this valley of the shadow of death. Your laugh rings free from the disaster that surrounds you. While the stars are beautiful,
they aren’t you. They are not My children, beloved beyond compare. No, the stars are a pretty little mobile in the sky for My precious baby girl – you.
You are My crowning achievement, the babe I knit together in the womb. You are My miracle, My masterpiece, My sonnet, My song. You, My precious girl, are Mine. And I love you. I always have, and I always will. I PROMISE.
No matter what you do, no matter what you say. No matter how far you try to run away, you’re still Mine. No matter what, I promise you that I will ALWAYS love you. And what’s more than that, I’ll always LIKE you too.
You see, it’s hard for you to separate the things you do from who you are. But that’s just it, they ARE two separate things. What you do does NOT make you who you are. Who you think you are determines what you do. That’s why it’s so CRITICAL for you to come to Me every day; because I will tell you who you REALLY are. You’re not who they say you are. You’re not necessarily even who you think you are. You are who I say you are. I am your maker, the creator. I made you with such intimate detail that even with all the technology and science of today they still haven’t found all the galaxies of mystery hidden inside you. And they never will. Heh, heh, heh.
Yet I know them all, from the hairs of your head, to the steps of your feet, I know them all. Why? Because I CARE FOR YOU! I care so deeply for you I could die.
No, wait,
I DID!
I would rather die the most excruciating death humanity could dish out, than to live one more moment without a relationship with you.
Yes, I want to be your God and your Father, but more than that I want to be your FRIEND. I don’t need more servants; I already have plenty of those. What I need are friends. People who share their lives with Me. People who share their hopes and dreams and desires with Me. People who share their devastations and pains with Me. I want to share in your joy. I want to be there for you in your grief and hurt. I want to be more than your God. I want to be your FRIEND, the lover of your soul. Because I do love your soul, every part of it. But you rarely let Me touch it. You barely ever show Me your soul because you’re so busy doing things for Me instead of with Me. You’ve gotten so busy that you’ve hardly had time to just be still and allow Me the opportunity to comb your hair and massage your weary shoulders. You’ve gotten so busy with the cares of life that you’ve forgotten how good I can be to you. You’ve been so concerned about getting things done that you’ve stolen My chance to do them for you and relieve a bit of that burden from your shoulders.
I love you.
I want to help you get through this. But I can’t do that if you don’t let Me. I want to be a part of your life. I want to help you. Please let me.”
Psalm 139 O LORD, You have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to You’ the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You.
For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me! They speak against You with malicious intent; Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Tamar Knochel 