Day 30: Don’t look back

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8

The day that we talked was a defining point in our marriage.  That day when we decided; “Yup, this thing is forever.  No matter what. We’re not giving in.”  Our two lives truly turned into one on that night.  Through the sharing of a deep dark secret we were drawn closer together than we ever had been before.  Christian was so afraid that I was going to leave him.  He was so afraid that all of his clothes would be out on the front lawn when he got home, or the locks would be changed.  But none of that happened.  What happened was love and forgiveness.  Was I hurt?


But, did it make me love him less?  Strangely enough, No.  In fact, it made me love him even more, because he had FINALLY opened up to me!  I’d stayed with him through years of being emotionally and sexually bottled up inside over this, and now we had finally torn down all those walls.  He was TALKING to me!  It was the most amazing thing.  God worked a miracle in our marriage.  In the span of 33 days He had completely and totally changed two people so dramatically that we were acting like teenagers all over again!

This was my journal entry a few days after “Truth-day”:  “Lord, when will my heart stop hurting over the adultery and lies?  The pangs are so brutally painful.  It’s down to my soul, my marrow and it feels like something ripping apart inside of me.  I know why it hurts, I’m just wondering if it’ll ever go away.  I forgave him immediately, and I meant it too, but the words just keep popping back up into my mind!  The change in Christian however, is tremendous!  He’s back to the boy I met and fell in love with in high school.  You know the saying a ‘shell of a man’?  That’s what it was like.  He was just an empty shell of the man I fell in love with.  I still loved that shell of a man, and there were moments when he would peek his head out and be the Christian I’ve always loved, but he wasn’t happy and peaceful.  This Christian, on the other hand, is a happy, free, whole man.  This Christian is the man I wanted to marry, and I’m still so glad I did!  And I’m even more thankful that I STAYED married to him.  Thank you LORD!  Thank you for my new husband, THANK YOU!”

As you can see, I was still dealing with the pain.  I forgave him immediately, but that didn’t keep those names from popping back up into my head while I was doing the dishes or vacuuming.  And in those instances the pain was not just emotional pain; it was a physical pain, right in the middle of my chest, like someone was stabbing me with a newly sharpened pencil.  I prayed a lot about the pain in those first few days.  I was an emotional roller coaster.  I’d be high on the top of the hills when I’d think about Christian and the true intimacy we had finally found.  He treated me differently now, we were talking again, and OH GOOD GRAVY THE SEX!  WOO!  Then, I’d go plummeting back down to the bottoms of the hills the second, one of those names came into my head.  That’s when God reminded me of Lot’s wife.  In Genesis 19 it tells the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.  God is preparing to destroy these cities for their sins but Abraham’s nephew Lot is living in Sodom with his wife and family.  So God, showing mercy on Lot, sends 2 angels to rescue him from the city before it’s destroyed.  These angels were trying to save Lot from the sin surrounding him and the impending disaster and Lot hesitated!  If he stayed where he was he would die, and he hesitated.  How often are we like that?  We are so stuck in our sins that even though we know we’ll die if we stay in them, we hesitate to leave.  Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven, and He overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground.  But his wife, from behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:24-26

God did precisely what He said He would do and the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed.  From the buildings, to the plants, to the people, everything, all gone in one sulfur-y swoop.  And what did Lot’s wife do?  She looked back!  For just a moment she looked longingly over her shoulder back to the only life she had ever known, the life that GOD was rescuing her from. And in that one moment she disobeyed the direct order of the angels “don’t look back!”  Through this story, God told me something.  “Tamar, I have delivered you from this sexually immoral life, now DON’T.  LOOK.  BACK!  Don’t look back at the things that you both have done and allow them to cause you pain.  All has been forgiven which means those things are GONE.  Don’t look back on them and allow them to hurt you anymore.”  This story has another thing to tell us about looking back.  Don’t look back on those times and wish for those sins to return to your life either.  You are so much better off now, don’t look back.

Promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved.  For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world by the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and are overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first.  For it would be better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn away from the holy commandment handed on to them.  It has happened to them according to the true proverb, “A dog returns to its own vomit,” and, “A sow, after washing, returns to wallowing in the mire.” 2 Peter 2:19-22

Don’t.  Look.  Back.

Christian’s comments:

So, you have taken our advice and confessed to one another. You have taken a big step to a great marriage (and sex life). Now, DON’T LOOK BACK!

You have moved past whatever was holding you apart. Never return to it. Yes, you will think about it from time to time, that is natural, but do not dwell on it. Don’t long for things to be as they were before. Don’t ever think “I wish I never confessed to her.” Things will be rough in the beginning, but they will get better.

With the exception of our wedding day/night, I have never been happier in my marriage than I have been since our fast. Do you want to know why? Because the past is behind us and we have moved on.

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